Limited Time Only

LIMITED TIME ONLY BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

VINH is casually messing around on his laptop.

VINH is bored.

VINH’s life feels unexciting.

VINH is too broke to do anything exciting.

So VINH continues to mess around on his laptop.

Then –

DING!

A sound on his laptop.

VINH’s eyes grow wide.

The HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE appears beside VINH.

HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE: Now for a limited time only, get exclusive deals on flights out of Burbank airport!

VINH looks at HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE in shock.

VINH: Burbank airport? I live in Burbank! I’m in Burbank right now!

HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE: For a limited time only fly from Burbank to Italy for $500!

VINH: Italy!? $500!? That’s a steal!

HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE: For a limited time only fly from Burbank to Japan for $587!

VINH: Japan!? 587!?

HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE: Burbank to New York - $50.

VINH: FIFTY DOLLARS!?!?!?!?!?

HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE: Fifty Dollars.

VINH pull out his phone to check his bank account.

VINH: But all I have is –

HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE (In slow motion): Fiiiiiiiiftyyyyy doooooolllllarrrrssssss.

VINH (In slow motion):Fiiiiiiiifffftttttyyyy doooooollllaaaaaarrrrrs.

VINH quickly closes his laptop in panic.

The HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE disappears.

Pause.

Beat.

VINH: Fuck it! YOLO!

VINH swings his laptop back open.

The HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE reappears.

HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE: We’re sorry the sale has ended.

VINH (In slow motion):Noooooooooooo!!!!!!

HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE (In slow motion): EENNNNNNNNDDDDEEEEEDDDDDD!

VINH, in a fit of rage, picks up his laptop and throws it across the room.

The HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE dies by VINH’s feet.

Silence.

VINH’s eyes grow big.

VINH looks at the HUMAN EMBODIMENT OF AN AIRLINE WEBSITE.

VINH looks at his laptop, in pieces.

VINH: Oh fuck.

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.

Nothing

NOTHING BY JEFFREY LO

BARRY on stage alone, whistling.

He is well aware that the audience is there.

In fact, he is probably looking right at them.

He is whistling away.

We watch this for some time.

BARRY: Go ahead and keep waiting for something else… I got nothing... I got nothing and I'm proud of it.

BARRY goes back to whistling. 

END OF PLAY.

No

NO BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

CRISSY and MARCIA in a work break room.

CRISSY:

Have you ever wondered why we shoot fireworks on the 4thof July?

…

Have you ever wondered why clouds always feel like they are moving? 

…

Have you ever wondered how airplanes can just fly through clouds?

…

Have you ever wondered how TSA precheck works?

…

Have you ever wondered how you can check in on Southwest at the first possible second and still get boarding class B?

…

Have you ever wondered how LYFT actually works?

…

Have you ever thought about actually drinking the water your LYFT driver offers you?

…

Have you ever wondered if there is a real Crystal Geyser?

…

CRISSY drinks her water.

MARCIA looks at her.

MARCIA:

No.

MARCIA takes her lunch and exits.

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.

Microphone on a Stand

MICROPHONE ON A STAND BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

Darkness.

After a moment we hear the harsh clash of a spotlight turning on.

The spotlight shines on a single microphone on a mic stand.

Silence.

After a moment we hear footsteps. After another moment, JOEL enters.

JOEL approaches the microphone.

JOEL:

Hi.

It’s been awhile

Since I’ve

Um

Been here

I’ve been away for some time.

Away from all this place.

This… stage.

It was hard to be here for a while

The world become a hard place to live

A hard place to understand

And therefore… a hard place to work.
A hard place to be here.

…

But the thing is

There got to be a point where things got so hard that…

So hard that it became apparent that I couldn’t just not work

I needed the work to be a light against these dark times

I needed the work to mean something

I needed the work to be productive

I needed the work to fight

…

So here we are.

Here I am.

New perspective.

And…

Happy to be here.

Ready to be here.

Ready to fight for my work.

Ready to fight with my work.

Ready to fight.

END OF PLAY.

Zac and Siah Inside the Cave

ZAC AND SIAH INSIDE THE CAVE

Inside the cave.

                                                                                    ZAC and SIAH are walking, making

their way to Jesus’ corpse.

                                                                        SIAH

You turned the water into wine?

                                                                        ZAC

Yes.

                                                                        SIAH

Hah! Who would’ve thought that trick would come in handy a second time.

                                                                        ZAC

Again for Jesus…

                                                                        SIAH

The J man. Always coming through.

                                                            (Beat)

Why did you think to give him wine?

                                                                        ZAC

I overheard your conversation.

                                                                        SIAH

Which part of it?

                                                                        ZAC

Most of it. But specifically the part where he said he had a drinking problem.

And that just a sip of a drink would set him on a tailspin.

                                                                                    SIAH stops walking.

                                                                        SIAH

Wait. Hearing that that guy had a drinking problem is what made you think to trick him into drinking?

That’s fucked up.

                                                                        ZAC

I’m not proud of it.

                                                                        SIAH

I didn’t think you had that in you.

                                                                        ZAC

I wish I didn’t have to do it but here we are.

Now come on Siah. We have to hurry up and get to the body.

                                                                                    Lights and sound shift.

                                                                                    ZAC and SIAH travel through the

cave.

Lights shift.

ZAC and SIAH are in front of Jesus body. For now, only ZAC and SIAH can see the body.

ZAC and SIAH stare at the body, stunned.

Silence.

Beat.

Suddenly, SIAH runs off to vomit.

ZAC doesn’t react. He can’t take his eyes off of Jesus.

ZAC starts to weep.

SIAH returns and stands next to ZAC.

Siah and Zac and Joshua

SIAH AND ZAC AND JOSHUA BY JEFFREY LO

A nice  moment of understanding between JOSHUA and ZAC.

A moment that is broken by heavy panting and the return of SIAH.

                                                                        SIAH

I got them!!

                                                            (Sees ZAC:)

What are y –

                                                                        ZAC

                                                            (Interrupting SIAH:)

Who are you!?

Why are you here!?

Are you harmless!?

                                                                        SIAH

Why are you acting like this Z –

ZAC throws a rock at SIAH to stop him from saying his name.

                                                                        SIAH(cont’d)

Ouch!

                                                                        JOSHUA

Zachary! It’s ok. This is the guy I was telling you about.

The fig guy.

Josiah.

Josiah, this is Zachary.

                                                                        ZAC

                                                            (Extending his hand for a handshake:)

It’s good to meet you Josiah.

SIAH, extremely confused, shakes ZAC hand.

                                                                        SIAH

Ok…

                                                                        JOSHUA

You were both friends of Jesus.

                                                                        ZAC

We were?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yes.

                                                                        SIAH

Yes!

                                                                        ZAC

You know what? You do look familiar! That’s right! I recognize you Josiah!

                                                                        SIAH

Are you ok?

                                                                        ZAC

                                                            (Trying to force SIAH into understanding:)

It’s good to see you again JO-SI-AH.

                                                                                    SIAH finally starts to get it but.

                                                                        SIAH

Ugh – oh…

It’s ummm.

It’s been so long since we saw each other last Zachary.

                                                                        ZAC

Sorry about throwing the rock at you earlier.

                                                                        SIAH

Don’t worry about it.

I like it when rocks are throw at me.

SIAH picks up the rock and throws it on his own foot.

                                                                        SIAH(cont’d)

Ouch! See?

                                                                        ZAC

Yes… I see…

A moment where ZAC and SIAH stare at each other trying to communicate through their eyes but failing.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Hey!

                                                                        ZAC & SIAH

Huh?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Do you have those figs?

                                                                        SIAH

Oh.

                                                                        JOSHUA

You said you had the figs.

                                                                        SIAH
I do!

                                                                        JOSHUA

Really? All 30?

                                                                        SIAH

Uh huh.

                                                                        JOSHUA

But how?

                                                                        SIAH
Not important. Just know that I have them.

                                                                                    SIAH produces the 30 figs.

                                                                        JOSHUA
Wow…

That’s just…

                                                                                    JOSHUA starts to tear.

                                                                        SIAH

Are you… crying?

                                                                        JOSHUA

It’s just so beautiful to look at.

                                                                        SIAH

Figs make you cry?

                                                                        ZAC

He’s really hungry.

                                                                        SIAH

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Look at them!

There are so many of them!

SO MANY FIGS!

                                                                        SIAH

You should eat them! They’re all yours!

                                                                        JOSHUA

I can’t wait!

                                                                        SIAH

Then don’t wait!

And now that you have them, I’ll just go and –

SIAH starts to make his way inside the cave.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Wait!

                                                                        SIAH

What?

                                                                        JOSHUA

One – you have to go with him.

                                                                        SIAH

With Zac?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yes. He gave me water and I agreed to let him go too but I only want to let people in once.

                                                                                    SIAH shrugs.

                                                                        SIAH

Sure, ok.

                                                                        JOSHUA

AND!

                                                                        SIAH
And what?

                                                                        JOSHUA

I have to count the figs. Make sure you’re not shorting me.

                                                                        SIAH

Oh, of course.

                                                                        JOSHUA

It’ll only take a second.

JOSHUA gathers all of the figs and starts to intently count them.

ZAC pulls SIAH to the side.

                                                                        ZAC

Do you have all of the figs?

                                                                        SIAH

What are you doing here?

                                                                        ZAC

Do you have all 30 figs?

                                                                        SIAH

I thought you weren’t going to help me, but now you’re here.

                                                                        ZAC

Can you please just worry about that later?

Answer me, do you have all 30 figs?

                                                                        SIAH

I think so. Yeah.

                                                                        ZAC

You think so?

                                                                        SIAH

Look at them, doesn’t that look like a lot of figs?

                                                                        ZAC

You didn’t count them?

                                                                        SIAH

They look like a lot of figs!

                                                                        ZAC

Are you kidding me Siah? How long would it have taken to count to 30?

                                                                        SIAH

I’m pretty sure it’s over 30!

                                                                        JOSHUA

Huh…

                                                                                    ZAC and SIAH look over at JOSHUA.

                                                                        ZAC

What is it?

                                                                        JOSHUA

That’s weird…

                                                                        SIAH
What’s weird?

                                                                        JOSHUA

I better count it again.

                                                                        SIAH

                                                            (Shift back to ZAC:)

You still haven’t told me what you’re doing here.

                                                                        ZAC

I have a plan. Follow me.

                                                                        SIAH

But what is the plan?

                                                                        ZAC

Follow me.

                                                            (Shift to JOSHUA:)

Hey Joshua.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Just a second, I don’t want to lose count…

                                                                        ZAC

Joshua –

                                                                        JOSHUA

Wait –

                                                                        ZAC

JOSHUA CAN I HAVE SOME OF MY WATER?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Oh. Uh. Sure.

                                                            (Looking embarrassed:)

I drank over half of it. Sorry.

                                                                        ZAC

No, no. I’m sorry. I told you to finish it and here I am asking for it back.

I just need a sip if that’s ok.

                                                                        JOSHUA
Of course.

                                                                                    JOSHUA hands ZAC the bottle.

                                                                        ZAC

Thanks.

JOSHUA starts counting again.

                                                                                    ZAC takes a quick sip of the water.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Huh. I was right…

                                                                        ZAC

About what?

                                                            (Returns the canteen back to JOSHUA:)

Here you go.

                                                                        JOSHUA
There aren’t 30 figs here…

                                                                        ZAC

Oh really…

                                                                        JOSHUA

There are 32 figs!

                                                                        SIAH

WOW! 32 FIGS! THAT’S AMAZING!

                                                                                    SIAH shoots ZAC a look.

                                                                                    ZAC mostly ignores it.

                                                                        ZAC

Well that’s great!

                                                                        JOSHUA

Do you want them back Josiah?

                                                                        SIAH

The 32 figs?

                                                                        JOSHUA

No, not the 32 figs! The first 30 are mine. I mean the other two.

                                                                        SIAH

Oh, um…

Well…

                                                                        ZAC

No.

                                                                        SIAH

No.

                                                                        ZAC

You should keep them. As a thank you from him to you. From both of us really. For letting us see our friend Jesus.

                                                                        SIAH

R… right.

A thank you for letting me see my boy Sussy.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Wow. Are you sure?

                                                                        SIAH

Yeah.

                                                                        ZAC

Definitely.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Thanks!

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                        ZAC

So… Can we?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Oh! Yeah, of course. I’ll just need help moving this rock.

If you don’t mind.

                                                                        SIAH

Nah.

                                                                        ZAC

Not at all.

                                                                        JOSHUA

To be honest, that’s kinda why I wanted you to go in together.

This rock is a more of a three person job.

It’s a bit of a workout.

JOSHUA, ZAC and SIAH work together to move the rock blocking the entrance of the cave.

The three of them get a bit winded from it.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

And there we are.

Your free to go.

ZAC and SIAH nod to JOSHUA and start to enter the cave.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

Oh, guys.

Just be prepared.

I know he was your friend and…

He doesn’t look great.

                                                                                    Beat.

                                                                                    ZAC and SIAH nod and walk into the

cave.

JOSHUA watches them off and sits back down and starts to open a fig.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

Nice guys…

                                                            (Beat)

God I’m out of shape.

                                                            (Opening the canteen:)

Moving that rock just once has me all winded…

JOSHUA takes a sip from the canteen and his eyes immediately grow.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

What is this?

This can’t…

I thought this was water.

I haven’t had a sip of…

Oh no…

I forgot how good this feels.

Oh no…

I like this…

I like how this tastes…

I like how this feels….

Oh no, oh no, oh no…

                                                            (In fear and excitement:)

Wine…

JOSHUA starts to chug the wine from the canteen.

More Zac and Joshua

MORE ZAC AND JOSHUA BY JEFFREY LO

JOSHUA

Hey Zachary.

                                                                        ZAC

Yeah?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Were you there?

                                                                        ZAC

At the crucifixion?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yeah.

                                                                                    A long pause.

                                                                                    ZAC nods his head.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

I’m sorry.

                                                                        ZAC

Why?

                                                                        JOSHUA

It looks like you were friends.

                                                                        ZAC

We were.

                                                                        JOSHUA

It must be hard to see something like that happen to a friend.

                                                                        ZAC

Yeah…

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                                    JOSHUA takes a swig from the

canteen.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Can you tell me about it?

…

If you don’t mind me asking.

…

If it’s not too…

I didn’t go.

I didn’t have it in me to watch.

And plus, I knew I had to be here once it was over.

It’s just… I don’t understand.

I don’t understand why this needed to happen.

And I think maybe, if you tell me what it was like, maybe I can understand better.

                                                                                    Silence.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

Sorry. You don’t need to –

                                                                        ZAC

No. It’s ok. I –

Yeah, it’ll be ok. I think.

...

What do you want to know?

                                                                        JOSHUA
What did he look like? When he was carrying the cross up the hill.

ZAC is reminded of the look on Jesus’ face.

                                                                        ZAC

He looked…

Scared.

I mean that’s to be expected, right?

He’s lifting the instrument of his death on his own shoulders.

And all of these people around him screaming at him or cheering on his death.

He hears all of it.

He sees these people.

And you can see in his eyes – behind the fear and the… regret – he’s thinking I’m doing this for you…

I am doing this for each and every one of you…

                                                                                    Beat.

                                                                        JOSHUA
How?

                                                                        ZAC

What?

                                                                        JOSHUA

How is this for all of us?

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                        ZAC

To be honest, I don’t know.

…

I have no idea.

Sometimes he would say things that would go over our heads.

But he said them with so much conviction that we just had to trust that he knew what he was doing.

                                                            (Sighs)

Maybe this was the time to we should’ve questioned him.

                                                                        JOSHUA

When he volunteers to die? Probably.

Really though, I just don’t understand how he pictured this would help anyone.

Even if he does rise from the dead and walk out of this cave as Zombie Jesus, I just don’t get it.

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                                    Beat.

                                                                        ZAC

Oh…

                                                                        JOSHUA

What?

                                                                        ZAC

What if…

…

What if he was just tired?

Jesus worked tirelessly. Relentlessly.

Day in and day out, Jesus walked from one place to the next speaking to anyone who would listen and fighting for those who wouldn’t.

Did things get better?

Not really.

Barely, if anything.

He worked non-stop and didn’t create a dent…

Oh my god…

                                                                                    ZAC starts to tear.

                                                                        JOSHUA
Wh –

What?

Are you ok?

                                                                        ZAC

I think he gave up.

                                                                        JOSHUA

What do you mean?

                                                                        ZAC

He would work day after day after day just for what?

To be yelled at.

Ridiculed.

Before he would even say a word.

And those who did listen to him would get brought down with him.

He couldn’t take it anymore

And wanted out.

                                                                        JOSHUA
Jesus?

Nah. That guy always seemed like he was having a great time.

Jumping on top of anything within site and putting on a show of what he could do.

                                                                        ZAC

Yes, a great showman.

All a façade…

He would always talk about how he envied those with a normal life.

How he wished he could have that – even for a day.

But we would all tell him there was no way.

He was Jesus Christ.

…

He wanted out but couldn’t think of a way out.

So he ended it all.

Jesus ended his own life.

                                                                                    Silence.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Fuck…

That’s heavy.

                                                                        ZAC

Sorry.

                                                                        JOSHUA

No. It’s not –

I asked –

it’s just –

Fuck…

Zac and Joshua

JOSHUA

You wanna see him too?

                                                                        ZAC

Who?

                                                                        JOSHUA

                                                            (Pointing to the cave:)

Him.

Jesus.

                                                                        ZAC
                                                            (Feigning ignorance:)

Oh… Jesus…

I forgot all about Jesus…

Have other people wanted to see Jesus?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Everyone wants to see Jesus.

                                                                        ZAC

When you say everyone, how many people do you mean?

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                        JOSHUA

There was one other guy.

                                                                        ZAC

Oh.

                                                                        JOSHUA

That came here at least.

                                                                        ZAC

Josiah?

                                                                        JOSHUA

How did you know his –

                                                                        ZAC

What? What are you talking about? I don’t know his –

I wasn’t saying –

I was saying

Jo…soo… ah.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Josooah?

                                                                        ZAC

Mispronunced your name.

Sorry about that. Tongue got all weird.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Ah.

                                                                        ZAC

You said the other guy’s name was –

                                                                        JOSHUA

Eh, not important.

                                                                        ZAC

Of course.

                                                                        JOSHUA

But I did agree to let him go see Jesus.

                                                                        ZAC

                                                            (Feigning ignorance:)

You did?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yeah. I mean, I agreed to it as long as he was able to do this crazy thing for me.

                                                                        ZAC

What’s the crazy thing?

                                                                        JOSHUA

He said he’d get me THIRTY figs!

                                                                        ZAC

THIRTY?

                                                                        JOSHUA

I know right? THIRTY! Hah!

                                                                        ZAC

That sure is a lot of figs.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Even if he weresomehow able to get me thirty figs I’d say it’s worth it.

                                                                                    ZAC pulls out a fig.

                                                                        ZAC

I only have this one.

JOSHUA freezes upon sight of the fig.

                                                                        JOSHUA

You…

                                                                        ZAC

What?

                                                                        JOSHUA

That’s a fig.

                                                                        ZAC

Yes.

                                                                        JOSHUA

I love figs…

                                                                        ZAC

I’m seeing that.

                                                                                    A brief silence.

                                                                                    Beat.

                                                                        ZAC(cont’d)

But you’re getting a ton of figs from that other guy.

                                                                        JOSHUA

                                                            (Deflated:)

Of course…

Of course of course. Can’t be getting greedy.

                                                                        ZAC

But I do have this water to help with your thirst.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Water…

I’ll tell you what.

I’ll let you in to see Jesus to thank you for the water.

                                                                        ZAC
You will?

                                                                        JOSHUA

But –

                                                                        ZAC

What?

                                                                        JOSHUA

You have to wait for the other guy.

                                                                        ZAC

I have to wait for Siah?

                                                                        JOSHUA

What?

                                                                        ZAC

I said – I have to wait? Siiiigggggh.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yes. You have to wait.

That way, you two can go and pay your respects together and I’m only risking my job once!

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

Is that ok?

                                                                                    ZAC fakes thinking hard about it.

                                                                                    Silence.

                                                                                    Suddenly, ZAC shrugs and throws

the water to JOSHUA.

                                                                        ZAC

Alright.

                                                                        JOSHUA

                                                            (Opening the canteen:)

Really?

                                                                        ZAC

Sure, that makes sense.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Oh thank God!

                                                                                    JOSHUA chugs the water down.

                                                                                    ZAC watches him.

JOSHUA becomes suddenly aware that he is drinking all the water while ZAC does nothing.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

Sorry.

Do you want some?

                                                                        ZAC

No, that’s for you. I’m fine.

There’s more where that came from.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Really?

                                                                        ZAC

Yeah, just let me know.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Thanks!

                                                                                    JOSHUA chugs more.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

                                                            (Wiping his mouth:)

Thank you.

                                                                        ZAC

You’re welcome.

                                                                                    JOSHUA closes the canteen.

                                                                                    Beat.

                                                                                    Silence.                                                

                                                                        JOSHUA

Hey Zachary.

                                                                        ZAC

Yeah?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Were you there?

                                                                        ZAC

At the crucifixion?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yeah.

                                                                                    A long pause.

                                                                                    ZAC nods his head.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

I’m sorry.

                                                                        ZAC

Why?

                                                                        JOSHUA

It looks like you were friends.

                                                                        ZAC

We were.

                                                                        JOSHUA

It must be hard to see something like that happen to a friend.

                                                                        ZAC

Yeah…

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                                    JOSHUA takes a swig from the

canteen.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Can you tell me about it?

…

If you don’t mind me asking.

…

If it’s not too…

I didn’t go.

I didn’t have it in me to watch.

And plus, I knew I had to be here once it was over.

It’s just… I don’t understand.

I don’t understand why this needed to happen.

And I think maybe, if you tell me what it was like, maybe I can understand better.

                                                                                    Silence.

                                                                        JOSHUA (cont’d)

Sorry. You don’t need to...

Joshua and Zac

JOSHUA AND ZAC BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

SIAH runs off again.

                                                                                    JOSHUA sits on the ground.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Oh figs… you are my downfall…

                                                                                    Silence.

                                                                                    JOSHUA stretches his back again.

                                                                                    Pause.

JOSHUA starts to hum in the tune of

“We Wish You a Merry Christmas.”

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

                                                            (Singing:)

Oh give me some figgy – la la.

Oh give me some figgy – la la

Oh give me some figs and water

And bring it right here.

                                                                                    JOSHUA laughs at himself.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

I just invented a song.

                                                            (Singing:)

I won’t go until I get some

I won’t –

                                                                                    ZAC’s footsteps can be heard.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

I told you Josiah, I cannot leave my station. Can you please just –

                                                                                    ZAC enters.

                                                                        ZAC

Who are you talking to?

                                                                                    JOSHUA, startled, jumps up.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Who goes there!?

                                                                                    ZAC throws his hands to the sky.

                                                                        ZAC

Zac.

                                                                        JOSHUA

What?

                                                                        ZAC

Zac.

                                                                        JOSHUA

What?

                                                                        ZAC

Zac.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Wh –

                                                                        ZAC

Zachary. My name. Zachary.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Oh.

                                                                        ZAC

Zachary. And harmless.

                                                                        JOSHUA

What are you doing here Zachry and harmless?

                                                                        ZAC

Is that a joke?

My name is just –

                                                                        JOSHUA

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?

                                                                        ZAC

AHHH! I’m just –

I’m just –

I’m just –

                                                                        JOSHUA

WHAT!?

                                                                        ZAC

You are making me very nervous.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Well I’m nervous too!

                                                                        ZAC

So what should we do about that?

                                                                        JOSHUA

TELL ME WHY YOU ARE HERE!

                                                                        ZAC

OHMYGODOKIWILL!

I’M HERE TO…

I’M HERE TO…

                                                                        JOSHUA

WHAT!?

                                                                        ZAC
WHY ARE WE SCREAMING!?

                                                                        JOSHUA
I DON’T KNOW!!!!

                                                                        ZAC

                                                            (Suddenly not screaming:)

Maybe we should stop?

                                                                        JOSHUA

NO!!!!!

                                                                        ZAC

AHHHHH!!!

                                                                        JOSHUA

WHO ARE YOU!?!?

                                                                        ZAC

I ALREADY TOLD YOU!!!

                                                                        JOSHUA

OH YEAH!!!!

                                                                        ZAC

ZACHARY!!

                                                                        JOSAHUA

AND HARMLESS!!!

                                                                        ZAC
YEAH!!!

                                                                        JOSHUA
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU HERE!?

                                                                        ZAC
TO GIVE YOU WATER!!!!

JOSHUA is suddenly calm and not on attack.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Wait, you have water?

                                                                        ZAC
What just happened?

                                                                        JOSHUA

You just said you had water.

                                                                        ZAC

You’re like a baby.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Hey that’s not nice.

                                                                        ZAC

You have a temper… or something. Can you even call that a temper?

                                                                        JOSHUA

I know.

                                                                        ZAC

You should get that checked.

                                                                        JOSHUA

I’ve been meaning to.

                                                                        ZAC

Why haven’t you?

                                                                                    JOSHUA shrugs.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Haven’t gotten to it.

Joshua and Siah

JOSHUA AND SIAH BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

SIAH puts on a faux-casual strut and approaches JOSHUA.

SIAH pretends to just notice JOSHUA.

                                                                        SIAH

Oh. What’s up, man?

                                                                                    JOSHUA jumps to his feet.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Who are you?

                                                                        SIAH

Who am I?

Just a friend.

                                                                        JOSHUA

A friend of who?

                                                                        SIAH

A friend of…

You?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Are you trying to mess with me right now?

                                                                        SIAH

And Jesus.

I’m a friend of Jesus’.

…

Jesus is my homeboy.

                                                                                    Beat.

                                                                                    JOSHUA, to SIAH’s surprise, 

relaxes a bit.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Oh.

I’m sorry for your loss.

                                                                        SIAH

Thank you.

Were you a follower?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Of Jesus?

                                                                        SIAH

Yeah.

                                                                        JOSHUA

I didn’t identify as one.

But I wasn’t really against him.

                                                                        SIAH

I get that.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yeah.

                                                                        SIAH

Josiah.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Joshua.

                                                                                    Beat.

                                                                        SIAH

Is he really… in there?

                                                                        JOSHUA

                                                            (A little suspicious:)

Why do you ask?

                                                                        SIAH

Nothing. Just wondering.

                                                                        JOSHUA

                                                            (Growing aggressive:)

Just wondering?

                                                                        SIAH

Yeah. Just want to know where my friend is.

                                                                        JOSHUA

But he’s dead.

                                                                        SIAH

But he’s still there. Right?

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                                    JOSHUA calms down a bit.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Right.

                                                                        SIAH
So you know… that’s all I wanted to know.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Right.

                                                                        SIAH

So can I, like, see him?

                                                                        JOSHUA

WHAT!? NO!!

                                                                        SIAH

Ok! I’m sorry!

                                                                        JOSHUA

Absolutely not!

                                                                        SIAH

I get it!

                                                                        JOSHUA

What the fuck is wrong with you!?

                                                                        SIAH

I just watched my friend get nailed to a cross and die.

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Of course.

                                                                        SIAH(cont’d)

So I’m sorry if I ask a dumb question here or there. I’m a little all over the place.

No need to get all pumped up.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Sorry. I’m just a bit on edge.

                                                                        SIAH

It’s ok.

                                                                        JOSHUA

It’s just so much pressure you know?

                                                                        SIAH

I get it.

                                                                        JOSHUA

I didn’t ask for this job.

                                                                        SIAH

Who would?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Literally everyone else.

                                                                        SIAH

Really?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yeah. This is a pretty prestigious gig.

                                                                        SIAH

Wow…

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yeah.

                                                                        SIAH

Then how’d you end up with it?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?

                                                                        SIAH

I don’t mean –

I just mean that if it’s such a prestigious opportunity, or whatever.

And you didn’t want to do it…

Why did they choose you?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Oh.

I think I was chosen becauseI didn’t want to do it.

                                                                        SIAH

What? That doesn’t make sense.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Sure it does.

                                                                        SIAH

Explain.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Well. I don’t know if you know this but Jesus is a pretty controversial figure around here.

                                                                        SIAH

I’ve been following him around for years. I am well aware.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Right. Of course. Well –

When anyone talks about Jesus, they pretty much automatically have an opinion one way or the other about him. So –

As JOSHUA talks, ZAC enters discreetly. He hides and listens to the conversation.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

- when they were trying to figure out who was going to guard this cave after the crucifixionthere was a HUGE rush of people volunteering to do it. Thing is, all of these overeager people had an agenda. They all wanted to do one thing or another with the body. When they came to me, I told them I didn’t really care one way or another about Jesus and they should probably find someone who cared. Thing is, when I said that, it totally backfired on me and they gave me the assignment the very next minute.

                                                                        SIAH
Ouch…

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yeah…

                                                                        SIAH
And now here you are…

                                                                        JOSHUA

Here I am…

                                                                        SIAH

For three days…

                                                                        JOSHUA

Don’t remind me.

                                                                        SIAH

Do they provide meals?

                                                                        JOSHUA

NO!

                                                                        SIAH
Seriously?

                                                                        JOSHUA

SERIOUSLY!

                                                                        SIAH

That’s messed up.

                                                                        JOSHUA

You’re telling me!

                                                                        SIAH

Not even a fig?

                                                                        JOSHUA

OHMYGODWHATIWOULDDOFORAFIGGGGGG

                                                                        SIAH

You like Figs?

                                                                        JOSHUA

ILOVEFIGGGGGGGGGS

                                                                        SIAH

How about wine?

                                                                                    JOSHUA quickly straightens up.

                                                                        JOSHUA

I’m trying to cut down.

                                                                        SIAH

On wine or figs?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Wine! Obviously. Who could give up Figs? That’d be stupid.

                                                                        SIAH

Why are you giving up wine?

                                                                        JOSHUA

I drink it too much. It’s a little bit of a problem.

And I get drunk REAL fast… that’s a big problem.

                                                                        SIAH

Got it…

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                                    SIAH thinks.

                                                                                    Beat.

                                                                        SIAH(cont’d)

Joshua… What if I could get you some…

                                                                        JOSHUA

What?

                                                                        SIAH

Figs.

                                                                        JOSHUA

What!? FIGS!? YOU CAN GET ME FIGS!?

                                                                        SIAH

Maybe.

                                                                        JOSHUA

HOW!? OHMYGODILOVEFIGSSSSSSS.

                                                                        SIAH

I can tell!

I’ll just need some… um. Help.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Ok. Anything. Anything for figs, what do you need for figs?

                                                                        SIAH

Well… It’s more of an exchange.

                                                                        JOSHUA

                                                            (Scared and suspicious at the same time:)

What’s the exchange?

                                                                        SIAH

If I give you figs…

You let me see Jesus.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Yes! Wait! No! Wait! Maybe!

UGH ILOVEFIGS!

STOP TALKING!

                                                                        SIAH

I wasn’t talking.

                                                                        JOSHUA

STOP TALKING!

                                                                        SIAH

Ok.

                                                                        JOSHUA

I NEED TO THINK!

                                                                                    Silence.

                                                                                    JOSHUA is panicked.

                                                                        JOSHUA(cont’d)

FUCK!!!!

                                                                        SIAH

What? What’s wrong?

                                                                        JOSHUA

I just love figs so much!

                                                                        SIAH

Ok, well let me see if I can help your decision.

                                                                        JOSHUA

How?

                                                                        SIAH

Is there a number of figs I could get you that would make this decision easier?

                                                                                    ZAC has an idea and exits.

                                                                        JOSHUA

How many are you offering?

                                                                        SIAH

How many do you need?

                                                                                    Pause.

                                                                        JOSHUA

25.

                                                                        SIAH
Easy.

                                                                        JOSHUA

ARG! 26!

                                                                        SIAH

Done.

                                                                        JOSHUA

AH! Fine! 30! I need. 30!

                                                                        SIAH

                                                            (Faking concern:)

Wow, 30?

                                                                        JOSHUA

                                                            (Feeling victorious:)

30.

                                                                        SIAH

Can you even eat 30 figs?

                                                                        JOSHUA

Watch me.

                                                                                    SIAH lets out a sigh.

                                                                                    JOSHUA thinks he’s off the hook.

                                                                        SIAH

Ok.

                                                                        JOSHUA

WHAT!?

                                                                        SIAH

30 figs it is.

                                                                        JOSHUA

You can get me 30 figs!?

                                                                        SIAH

Sure.

                                                                        JOSHUA

How about water?

                                                                        JOSHUA

But I’m so thirsty!

                                                                        SIAH

Wasn’t part of the deal.

                                                                        JOSHUA

DAMNIT!

                                                                        SIAH

Sorry.

I’ll get you the 30 figs.

Be back in a bit!

                                                                                    SIAH runs off.

                                                                                    SIAH returns.

                                                                        SIAH

Don’t leave.

                                                                        JOSHUA

I can’t.

                                                                        SIAH

Right.

                                                                                    SIAH runs off again.

                                                                                    JOSHUA sits on the ground.

                                                                        JOSHUA

Oh figs… you are my downfall…

End.