Keep the Tunes Going

KEEP THE TUNES GOING BY Jeffrey Lo
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

ROBERT sits on his couch reading a newspaper.

On the floor next to him is his toddler BOBBY JR. on an iPad.

They both go about their business in silence until Christmas music starts to play from the iPad.

 ROBERT: Where’s that coming from? Is that music coming from your iPad?

BOBBY JR. nods and points at the iPad.

ROBERT: Here give it to me, I’ll change the song.

BOBBY JR. moves away from ROBERT.

ROBERT: It’s not Christmas time anymore. It’s not time for Christmas music.

BOBBY JR. moves away from ROBERT.

ROBERT: I don’t mind if we play music, son, it’s just –

BOBBY JR. moves away from ROBERT.

ROBERT: I think we should just change the song.

BOBBY JR. changes the song on the iPad.

ROBERT: Thank you.

It’s different Christmas song.

ROBERT: Or not…

BOBBY JR. gives ROBERT a thumbs up.

He loves Christmas music.

ROBERT: Ok… We’ll just… Ok.

ROBERT continues to read.

BOBBY JR. begins to dance to the music.

Lights fade.

END OF PLAY.

Sir, Do You Know What I'm Stopping You For?

SIR, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M STOPPING YOU FOR? BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

CIVILIAN sits in their car, pulled over.

They are not happy.

After a moment POLICE OFFICE appears and knocks on the window.

CIVILIAN rolls the window down and looks at POLICE OFFICER.

POLICE OFFICER: Hi there.

CIVILIAN: Hi.

POLICE OFFICER: How’re you doing?

CIVILIAN: I don’t know. You tell me.

POLICE OFFICER: Excuse me?

CIVILIAN: I think how I am doing depends on what happens here.

Pause.

POLICE OFFICER clears their throat.

POLICE OFFICER: Um. Sir, do you know what I’m stopping you for?

Quick pause.

CIVILIAN looks at POLICE OFFICER.

CIVILIAN (as smart ass as can be): Cause I’m young and I’m black and my hat’s real low? Do I look like a mind reader, sir? I don’t know. Am I under arrest or should I guess some more?

Pause.

POICE OFFICER: Well you was doing fifty-five in the fifty-four.

Pause.

CIVILIAN: Uh huh

POLICE OFFICER: License and registration and step out of the car. Are you carrying a weapon on you? I know a lot of you are.

CIVILIAN realizes what’s happening.

CIVILIAN: I ain’t stepping out of shit, all my papers legit.

POLICE OFFICER smiles

POLICE OFFICER: Well do you mind if I look around the car a little bit?

CIVILIAN: Well my glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk in the back and I know my rights so you goin’ need a warrant for that.

POLICE OFFICER: Aren’t you sharp as a tack? You some type of lawyer or something? Somebody important or something?

CIVILIAN: I ain’t passed the bar, but I know a little bit. Enough that you won’t illegally search my shit.

POLICE OFFICER: Well we’ll see how smart you are when the K-9 come.

CIVILIAN AND POLICE OFFICER: I GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A BITCH AIN’T ONE!

CIVILIAN and POLICE OFFICER laugh.

CIVILIAN: Haha, nice!

POLICE OFFICER: A fellow Jay fan! Consider this a warning.

CIVILIAN: Really? I thought for sure I’d get it even worse for being a smart ass and quoting the lyric!

POLICE OFFICER: Hah. Well it’s not something I’d recommend,

POLICE OFFICER puts his notepad away and starts to exit.

POLICE OFFICER stops and turns around.

POLICE OFFICER: I mean… also, you aren’t black and your hat isn’t real low so… Have a nice day!

POLICE OFFICER exits.

CIVILIAN slowly rolls up their window.

Lights fade.

END OF PLAY.

We Can Sit

WE CAN SIT BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

The garage of a suburban home.

ART sits at his desk in the garage quietly.

After some time passes, the garage door opens.

ART looks to see who it is and after a moment he sees his son JOSEPH on the other side.

ART nods his head at JOSEPH and leans his arms back on his desk.

Silence.

JOSEPH slowly walks closer to ART.

JOSEPH: Hey.

ART nods his head.

JOSEPH: How are you?

ART shrugs his shoulders.

JOSEPH: I’m sorry about –

ART nods his head.

Beat.

JOSEPH puts his hand on ART’s shoulder.

ART flinches.

ART: I’m ok.

JOSEPH: Dad –

ART: I’m ok. Just go home Joseph. Don’t you have work?

JOSEPH: Yeah but –

ART: I’m ok.

Silence.

JOSEPH: I didn’t know Uncle Joe but –

ART: I’m ok.

Pause.

JOSEPH: You named me after him right?

ART nods his head.

JOSEPH: It’s umm… too bad I…

Pause.

JOSEPH: I wish I could’ve met him.

ART: Yeah.

JOSEPH: How old was he?

ART: 56.

JOSEPH: Just 56? Wow…

ART nods his head.

JOSEPH: Do you want me to get you some water? Or –

ART: No.

JOSEPH: Soda / or –

ART: Joe I’m –

Pause.

ART: Joseph. I’m fine.

JOSEPH: You don’t need me to help you with anything?

ART: I said I’m fine.

JOSEPH: Ok. Is there anything you want to –

ART: No.

Pause.

JOSEPH: So what should we do?

ART: You’re not going to leave?

JOSEPH shakes his head.

JOSEPH: No.

ART: Then let’s sit.

JOSEPH: Sit?

ART: All I want to do right now… is sit.

JOSEPH: O… ok. We can sit. Yeah. Sure dad. We can sit.

JOSEPH pulls a seat next to his dad.

JOSEPH: Let’s sit.

JOSEPH and ART sit together.

Lights fade

.

END OF PLAY.

Slow Drink

SLOW DRINK BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

Christmas morning.

An empty trailer.

ED.

ED is sitting on the floor.

Beside him is a glass and a bottle of bourbon.

ED picks up his glass and puts it to his lips to drink but realizes it is empty.

ED puts the glass down and picks up the bourbon.

As picks up the bottle he hears music from outside.

Nat King Cole’s rendition of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

ED: Yeah. Whatever…

ED pours the bourbon into his class and takes a slow sip as the music continues to play.

ED starts to cap the bottle of bourbon but decides to toss it across the trailer instead.

ED lies on the floor.

Lights fade.

END OF PLAY.

A Long Line at Eve

A LONG LINE AT EVE BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

Lights up on DAN.

He is on top of a counter with one foot on top of a cash register.

He is already at a 100.

DAN:
EVERYONE! EVERYONE! EVERYONE! EVERYONE! EVERYONE!

SHUTTTTTT UP!!!

Pause.

DAN:

Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at my eyes.

Do I look amused?

Do I look happy?

Do I look – MERRY!?

No?

Guess why?

Because I am not MERRY.

I am not HAPPY.

I am not AMUSED!

Deep breath.

Then back at it.

DAN:

Let me tell you something.

I WAS merry.

When? You ask?

Let me tell you “When”

THIS MORNING.
I woke up THIS MORNING.

CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING.

And I said to myself – Dan. Today is Christmas Eve. And today is going to be a great and MERRY DAY.

Then I show up here.

To this.

To YOU.

TO ALL OF YOU.

DAN points out one customer.

DAN:
You.

When I walked into the store this morning, what did you say?

What did you say to me?

HEY. YOU’RE IN A UNIFORM. HELP ME GET THIS SHIT OFF THE SHELF YOU.

DAN points at another customer.

DAN:
And YOU.

You opened the bathroom door on my face.

Then you stepped on my foot as you walked out.

AND YOU DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING TO ME.

And don’t pretend like you didn’t notice you did that to me because you stopped.

You stopped.

You stopped and checked to make sure you didn’t run over – I don’t know – a child or a puppy or something.

You stopped and you looked back and thought –oh, it’s just Dan. I just ran over Dan in the uniform. Fuck him. I’m going back to my SHOPPING.

DAN points at the rest of the crowd.

DAN:

AND ALL OF YOU.

All of you have been kicking and screaming and whining about how long you’ve been in line and how you’re in a hurry and how you have things to do. Well you know what?

THIS IS YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.

IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE.

CHRISTMAS EVE.

As in the day before Christmas.

The day before you give Christmas gifts.

Unless your Filipino and then shit – you are giving your Christmas gifts TONIGHT.

So don’t get mad at me about this line and how slow you think we’re going cause you know what? You know when there wasn’t this much of a line?

Last week.

You know when there was even less of a line?

The week before.

You know where there is no line?

AMAZON PRIME.

All you had to do was order more than two days in advance to get on top of that shit but nope.- you fucked that up too.

So here you are. Literally HOURS before you are to give gifts to the poor little children you have and so you know what? If you’re pissed off. Be pissed off at yourself.

Now.

I am going to do my job.

And you are all going to shut up.

And after I ring you up and you leave my goddamn store.

Have a Merry Christmas.

DAN pantomimes dropping a microphone.

DAN:
Boom goes the dynamite.

DAN jumps off the counter and starts ringing up the next customer.

END OF PLAY.

I Shouldn't Have Done That

I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

Lights up on an apartment.

HARDY comes home from work.

HARDY tosses his bags down onto the floor.

HARDY tosses his jacket onto his couch.

HARDY opens his fridge.

HARDY grabs a can of beer and cracks it open.

HARDY takes a sip of his beer as he scans his fridge for something to eat.

HARDY picks up a piece of deli sliced meat and pops a slice in his mouth.

As soon as the meat is in his mouth, the look on HARDY’s face shifts.

Beat.

HARDY looks at the expiration date on the package.

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.

Fighting Too Hard

FIGHTING TOO HARD BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

JAYSSON in front of a machine.

By just looking at the machine, it’s hard to know what it does, exactly.

On the machine, there is a bullseye staring at JAYSSON.

To the side of the machine is what looks like an arm and a fist.

JAYSSON stares at the bullseye.

JAYSSON punches the bullseye.

Beat.

The machine punches JAYSSON.

Pause.

JAYSSON punches the bullseye.

Beat.

The machine punches JAYSSON.

Pause.

JAYSSON punches the bullseye.

Beat.

The machine punches JAYSSON.

The lights don’t fade.

We keep repeating this until our audience decides to leave.

Once they finally leave…

END OF PLAY.

Just Sports

JUST SPORTS BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

APRIL. 

APRIL:

I heard someone say over there, “it’s just sports.”

Just like that.

So flippant.

Like someone telling a child they won’t get the cereal they want at the grocery store.

And look, I understand what they meant. 

I understand that in the grand scheme of things it’s easy to blow off –

To ignore –

To not care about sports…

But…

How about –

…

The kid who’s in trouble their entire life but discovers one day that they have a talent for catching footballs.

Or the young man whose parents took out as many loans as they could so their son could go to the school of his dreams and walk onto the basketball team and somehow – someway, get drafted to make it into the NBA for a few seasons. He wasn’t making tens of millions of dollars – sure. But you bet that five hundred thousand a season meant a lot to that family.

…

Or the young girl whose last weeks with her brother were spent watching his favorite soccer team win the world cup? What about her? What about him? What about those women on that team?

…

Just sports.

I get it.

But please.

Get me.

END OF PLAY.

So The Other Night

SO THE OTHER NIGHT BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

SALLY.

SALLY:

Hey…

So…

The other night…

Yeah…

About that…

It was…

It was…

What?

Did I?

What do you mean I –

Did I pause for a long time?

Ok, so maybe I paused for a long time.

I probably paused for a long time but why does that matter?

What does that imply?

What?
You think that implies what?

Just because I paused a little, you think I was implying you were bad last night?

That is not –

NO!

I’m not saying I liked it either.

I’m not –

Well.

Ok.

So I did like it.

I did.

Of course I did.

Bravo to you.

Great job.

But –

NO!

I am not calling to say we should –

LOOK!

CAN YOU LISTEN!?

PLEASE!?

MEN!

JESUS!

LISTEN!

Pause.

SALLY:

Ok?

Ok.

Last night was a mistake.

Yes.

A mistake.
What?

What do you mean you knew it?

How did you know I was going to say that.

You don’t know what I was going to say –

How would you know if –

Look.

Don’t talk to me that way.

I had the courtesy to come here and see you in person.

I could’ve just – you know.

Texted.

Yeah.

I could’ve texted you that this was a mistake.

I could’ve texted.

Bad Sex. No More. Bye.

I COULD’VE DONE THAT!

Or… like… you know.
Ghosted.

I could have ghosted.

How would you have liked that?

That would’ve been a pretty bi –

SALLY gasps.

SALLY:
Don’t call me a bitch!

I’m not a bitch!

And you better not call me a slut.

I have the right to do whatever I want andf then do whatever I want after that.

And if you can’t deal with that.

If you can’t HANDLE IT.

Then you’re just –

You’re just –

GOODBYE!

END OF PLAY.

Do Your Best

DO YOUR BEST BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

Lights up on CREATIVE.

CREATIVE:

Ok. So. Yeah. 

I know.

Like. 

I said I would –

But –

Look.

It’s hard.

And I know, I know, I should’ve known before –

But the things is.

I did know.

I do know.

Boy do I know.

And I’m not giving up.

I’m just…

I’m acknowledging some of this is bullshit.

Just like life.

Sometimes it’s great.

Sometimes it’s bullshit.

And just like…

Do you best.

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.