JOSHUA AND SIAH BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)
SIAH puts on a faux-casual strut and approaches JOSHUA.
SIAH pretends to just notice JOSHUA.
SIAH
Oh. What’s up, man?
JOSHUA jumps to his feet.
JOSHUA
Who are you?
SIAH
Who am I?
Just a friend.
JOSHUA
A friend of who?
SIAH
A friend of…
You?
JOSHUA
Are you trying to mess with me right now?
SIAH
And Jesus.
I’m a friend of Jesus’.
…
Jesus is my homeboy.
Beat.
JOSHUA, to SIAH’s surprise,
relaxes a bit.
JOSHUA
Oh.
I’m sorry for your loss.
SIAH
Thank you.
Were you a follower?
JOSHUA
Of Jesus?
SIAH
Yeah.
JOSHUA
I didn’t identify as one.
But I wasn’t really against him.
SIAH
I get that.
JOSHUA
Yeah.
SIAH
Josiah.
JOSHUA
Joshua.
Beat.
SIAH
Is he really… in there?
JOSHUA
(A little suspicious:)
Why do you ask?
SIAH
Nothing. Just wondering.
JOSHUA
(Growing aggressive:)
Just wondering?
SIAH
Yeah. Just want to know where my friend is.
JOSHUA
But he’s dead.
SIAH
But he’s still there. Right?
Pause.
JOSHUA calms down a bit.
JOSHUA
Right.
SIAH
So you know… that’s all I wanted to know.
JOSHUA
Right.
SIAH
So can I, like, see him?
JOSHUA
WHAT!? NO!!
SIAH
Ok! I’m sorry!
JOSHUA
Absolutely not!
SIAH
I get it!
JOSHUA
What the fuck is wrong with you!?
SIAH
I just watched my friend get nailed to a cross and die.
Pause.
JOSHUA
Of course.
SIAH(cont’d)
So I’m sorry if I ask a dumb question here or there. I’m a little all over the place.
No need to get all pumped up.
JOSHUA
Sorry. I’m just a bit on edge.
SIAH
It’s ok.
JOSHUA
It’s just so much pressure you know?
SIAH
I get it.
JOSHUA
I didn’t ask for this job.
SIAH
Who would?
JOSHUA
Literally everyone else.
SIAH
Really?
JOSHUA
Yeah. This is a pretty prestigious gig.
SIAH
Wow…
JOSHUA
Yeah.
SIAH
Then how’d you end up with it?
JOSHUA
Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?
SIAH
I don’t mean –
I just mean that if it’s such a prestigious opportunity, or whatever.
And you didn’t want to do it…
Why did they choose you?
JOSHUA
Oh.
I think I was chosen becauseI didn’t want to do it.
SIAH
What? That doesn’t make sense.
JOSHUA
Sure it does.
SIAH
Explain.
JOSHUA
Well. I don’t know if you know this but Jesus is a pretty controversial figure around here.
SIAH
I’ve been following him around for years. I am well aware.
JOSHUA
Right. Of course. Well –
When anyone talks about Jesus, they pretty much automatically have an opinion one way or the other about him. So –
As JOSHUA talks, ZAC enters discreetly. He hides and listens to the conversation.
JOSHUA(cont’d)
- when they were trying to figure out who was going to guard this cave after the crucifixionthere was a HUGE rush of people volunteering to do it. Thing is, all of these overeager people had an agenda. They all wanted to do one thing or another with the body. When they came to me, I told them I didn’t really care one way or another about Jesus and they should probably find someone who cared. Thing is, when I said that, it totally backfired on me and they gave me the assignment the very next minute.
SIAH
Ouch…
JOSHUA
Yeah…
SIAH
And now here you are…
JOSHUA
Here I am…
SIAH
For three days…
JOSHUA
Don’t remind me.
SIAH
Do they provide meals?
JOSHUA
NO!
SIAH
Seriously?
JOSHUA
SERIOUSLY!
SIAH
That’s messed up.
JOSHUA
You’re telling me!
SIAH
Not even a fig?
JOSHUA
OHMYGODWHATIWOULDDOFORAFIGGGGGG
SIAH
You like Figs?
JOSHUA
ILOVEFIGGGGGGGGGS
SIAH
How about wine?
JOSHUA quickly straightens up.
JOSHUA
I’m trying to cut down.
SIAH
On wine or figs?
JOSHUA
Wine! Obviously. Who could give up Figs? That’d be stupid.
SIAH
Why are you giving up wine?
JOSHUA
I drink it too much. It’s a little bit of a problem.
And I get drunk REAL fast… that’s a big problem.
SIAH
Got it…
Pause.
SIAH thinks.
Beat.
SIAH(cont’d)
Joshua… What if I could get you some…
JOSHUA
What?
SIAH
Figs.
JOSHUA
What!? FIGS!? YOU CAN GET ME FIGS!?
SIAH
Maybe.
JOSHUA
HOW!? OHMYGODILOVEFIGSSSSSSS.
SIAH
I can tell!
I’ll just need some… um. Help.
JOSHUA
Ok. Anything. Anything for figs, what do you need for figs?
SIAH
Well… It’s more of an exchange.
JOSHUA
(Scared and suspicious at the same time:)
What’s the exchange?
SIAH
If I give you figs…
You let me see Jesus.
JOSHUA
Yes! Wait! No! Wait! Maybe!
UGH ILOVEFIGS!
STOP TALKING!
SIAH
I wasn’t talking.
JOSHUA
STOP TALKING!
SIAH
Ok.
JOSHUA
I NEED TO THINK!
Silence.
JOSHUA is panicked.
JOSHUA(cont’d)
FUCK!!!!
SIAH
What? What’s wrong?
JOSHUA
I just love figs so much!
SIAH
Ok, well let me see if I can help your decision.
JOSHUA
How?
SIAH
Is there a number of figs I could get you that would make this decision easier?
ZAC has an idea and exits.
JOSHUA
How many are you offering?
SIAH
How many do you need?
Pause.
JOSHUA
25.
SIAH
Easy.
JOSHUA
ARG! 26!
SIAH
Done.
JOSHUA
AH! Fine! 30! I need. 30!
SIAH
(Faking concern:)
Wow, 30?
JOSHUA
(Feeling victorious:)
30.
SIAH
Can you even eat 30 figs?
JOSHUA
Watch me.
SIAH lets out a sigh.
JOSHUA thinks he’s off the hook.
SIAH
Ok.
JOSHUA
WHAT!?
SIAH
30 figs it is.
JOSHUA
You can get me 30 figs!?
SIAH
Sure.
JOSHUA
How about water?
JOSHUA
But I’m so thirsty!
SIAH
Wasn’t part of the deal.
JOSHUA
DAMNIT!
SIAH
Sorry.
I’ll get you the 30 figs.
Be back in a bit!
SIAH runs off.
SIAH returns.
SIAH
Don’t leave.
JOSHUA
I can’t.
SIAH
Right.
SIAH runs off again.
JOSHUA sits on the ground.
JOSHUA
Oh figs… you are my downfall…
End.