THE ANNOYING MR. CONTRADICTORY BY JEFFREY LO
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MR. CONTRADICTORY stands at center.
He smiles at you.
He waives at you.
That bastard looks pretty damn smug and it’s really annoying.
Above MR. CONTRADICTORY, a projection reads:
“There is no such thing as a dumb question.”
MR. CONTRADICTORY: If I put this scalding hot pan on my face, will it hurt?
A buzzer sounds.
Above MR. CONTRADICTORY, a projection reads:
“All you need is love.”
MR. CONTRADICTORY: I’m so glad I can pay my rent and buy some food to feed my children with love!
A buzzer sounds.
Above MR. CONTRADICTORY, a projection reads:
“Slow and steady wins the race.”
MR. CONTRADICTORY: Wow, I’m so glad Usain Bolt has clarified what it means to be slow and steady! I had it wrong all along!
A buzzer sounds.
Above MR. CONTRADICTORY, a projection reads:
“Everyone’s a winner!”
MR. CONTRADICTORY: Oh good! So the San Jose Sharks have been champions all along!
A buzzer sounds.
Above MR. CONTRADICTORY, a projection reads:
“Our love will last forever.”
MR. CONTRADICTORY: Oh good, because I was thinking of having sex with about three of the people over at the bar.
A buzzer sounds.
Above MR. CONTRADICTORY, a projection reads:
“Race doesn’t matter.”
MR. CONTRADICTORY: Watch out! Be careful of that guy wearing a hoodie! Oh wait, never mind, that’s just Mark Zuckerberg.
A buzzer sounds.
Above MR. CONTRADICTORY, a projection reads:
“You can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it.”
MR. CONTRADICTORY: If you put your mind to it and money to it and your privilege to it and your… I can keep going if you want me to –
A buzzer sounds.
Above MR. CONTRADICTORY, a projection reads:
“America is the land of opportunity!”
MR. CONTRADICTORY just busts out into laughter.
He laughs for a long time.
Like an uncomfortably long time.
MR. CONTRADICTORY: You don’t even need me to fuck with that one.
MR. CONTRADICTORY exits.
END OF PLAY.