1+1=2

1+1=2 BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

ONE

ONE:

So, like, here’s the thing.

Sometimes I’m having a hard time.

Like, often times I’m having a hard time.

Most of the time, really.

And when people ask me, “How are you doing?”

I want to say, “Not too great, if I’m being honest with myself.”

And if they’re nice, those people will ask, “Well what’s wrong?”

And I’ll have to say, “I don’t know.”

Or maybe those people will ask, “What can I do to help?”

And I’ll have to say, “Probably nothing.”

Or maybe OTHER people will just say nothing and walk away.

And I’ll have to say to myself, “What an asshole.”

…

And none of that seems productive so when someone asks me “How are you doing?”

I just say, “Fine.”

I don’t even think about it.

All I say is, “Fine.”

Like a reflex.

I don’t even think about it.

Like one plus one is two.

How am I doing? Fine.

…

When I really think about it, though, it doesn’t feel good.

To just say fine.

When I’m not fine.

It feels shitty really.

And really…

When I think about how I feel…

I’d have to say…

Really…

Not fine.

I am not fine.

Are you listening?

END OF PLAY.

Demon(s)

DEMON(S) BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

MARCUS in a motel bathroom.

His face is wet.

He has just finished washing his face.

He is staring at his own reflection in the mirror.

He does this in silence.

This lasts for a minute.

Then another minute

Then another minute

Then another minute

And another minute.

Then finally –

MARCUS: This shouldn’t be so hard.

BLACKOUT.

END OF PLAY.

Things We Get To Say (A Valentine's Play)

THINGS WE GET TO SAY (A VALENTINE'S PLAY) BY JEFFREY LO

(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

J and L looking at the audience.

J and L: Things We Get To Say.

J and L turn to each other.

They look at each other.

Eye to eye.

L: I love how dedicated you are to everything that you do.

J: I love how you put you give your heart to everyone you care about.

L: I love how you support me.

J: I love how you take care of me.

L: I love your dimple.

J: I love your freckles.

L: I love your nose.

J: I love your cheek.

L: I love your ears.

J: I love your hair.

L: I love when you sing me voicemails.

J: I love that you love me singing terribly in your voicemails.

L: I love that you love my jokes.

J: I didn’t say that.

Pause.

J: But I do love your jokes.

L: I love that you put in the effort for us.

J: I love that you are there for me when times are tough.

L: I love you.

J: I love us.

Pause.

J and L turn back to look at the audience.

J and L: Things we get to say.

J and L turn back to each other.

They look at each other.

Eye to eye.

J: Thank you.

L: Thank you.

J and L: Thank you.

END OF PLAY.

beep

BEEP BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

Darkness.

All we hear is beep…

beep…

beep…

Lights slowly rise.

Still more beep…

beep…

beep…

Lights are up.

LINDA sitting in a hospital room next to her father DAVID.

DAVID is in a coma.

beep…

beep…

beep…

LINDA watches her father, motionless.

beep…

beep…

beep…

LINDA thinks of the right words to say.

beep…

beep…

beep…

LINDA listens to the beeps. The beeps drive her nuts.

But she wouldn’t be able to stand it if they stopped.

beep…

beep…

beep…

LINDA is paralyzed. DAVID is motionless.

beep…

beep…

beep…

Lights start to fade.

beep…

beep…

beep…

Darkness.

beep…

beep…

END OF PLAY.

Make It Rain On Dem

MAKE IT RAIN ON DEM BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

JEFFREY on stage.

JEFFREY writes plays.

JEFFREY directs plays.

JEFFREY produces plays.

He likes plays.

JEFFREY: Hi everyone. This is my play. It is a Christmas play.

Pause.

JEFFREY looks up at the sky.

Silence.

JEFFREY is still looking up at the sky.

More silence.

JEFFREY looks back at the audience.

JEFFREY: I was told a Christmas play would make it rain money.

Silence.

JEFFREY looks back up at the sky, waiting.

JEFFREY: Any minute now.

“I Make it Rain” by rapper Fat Joe starts to play.

But no money falls from the sky.

Lights slowly fade as JEFFREY continues to wait and Fat Joe continues to rap.

END OF PLAY.

Find My iPhone

FIND MY iPHONE BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

JAY is at his apartment watching an episode of Black Mirror on Netflix.

It’s a good episode.

A real good one.

After a moment, his phone buzzes.

He checks it.

It’s his mom.

JAY pauses the TV and picks up.

JAY: Hey mom.

MARY GWEN: JAY!

JAY: Yes, mom?

MARY GWEN: I really need your help!

JAY: Is everything ok?

MARY GWEN: You are on speakerphone.

JAY: Ok. Are you ok?

MARY GWEN: Can you hear me? You are on speakerphone.

JAY: Yes, mom. Are you ok? Why am I on speakerphone?

MARY GWEN: Because I cannot hear you so I put you on speakerphone so you can be louder.

JAY: Um, there is just a volume button –

MARY GWEN: Anyway, I really need you to help me.

JAY: Ok. What is wrong?

MARY GWEN: I have a big problem.

JAY: What’s the problem mom?

MARY GWEN: I need you to come here.

JAY: OK, I’ll change my clothes and be right over, but I’m really worried. What is wrong?

MARY GWEN: You cannot help me unless you are here.

JAY: Ok. I will be there. But I am really freaked out right now, mom. Can you please tell me what is going on?

MARY GWEN: Well, anak, I cannot find my phone.

Silence.

JAY: What?

MARY GWEN: I cannot find my phone. I need you to come here and help mama find it, balong.

JAY: Mom.

MARY GWEN: What?

JAY: You don’t need my help finding your phone.

MARY GWEN: Oh, now you don’t want to help your mom?

JAY: I do want to help my mom but you don’t need it.

MARY GWEN: What do you mean I don’t need your help? I am telling you I need it.

JAY: Mom.

MARY GWEN: What?

JAY: Tell me, what is it you are talking to me on?

Pause.

Beat.

Silence.

MARY GWEN hangs up on JAY.

Blackout

END OF PLAY.

The Expiration of a Friendship

THE EXPIRATION OF A FRIENDSHIP BY JEFFREY LO

(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

KENNY and JEN eating dinner, mid meal.

They take a few bites in silence.

JEN: I’m so glad we could do this.

KENNY: Me too.

They take more bites.

More silence.

KENNY: When was the last time we saw each other?

JEN: I can’t even remember!

KENNY: It feels like forever.

JEN: It really does!

More bites.

More silence.

The dinner is tasty though.

KENNY: …

JEN: …

More bites.

More silence.

JEN: Um…

KENNY: Yeah?

JEN: Sorry, I lost my thought.

KENNY: Oh. Haha. It happens.

JEN: Yeah.

More bites.

More silence.

More bites.

More silence.

In fact.

They bite in silence until…

The meal is over.

They look at each other.

Silence.

Beat.

KENNY: Jen.

JEN: Yeah?

KENNY: Are we out of things to talk about?

JEN: I don’t know…

KENNY: … are we still friends?

Pause.

JEN: I don’t know.

END OF PLAY.

Zoned

ZONED BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

KEN and JANNY at a cute coffee shop.

They are eating almond croissants and sipping on pumpkin spike lattes.

KEN just finished telling a story.

JANNY is in the middle of laughing at KEN’s story.

JANNY: That can’t be true.

KEN: Totally true?

JANNY: Seriously.

KEN: Yep.

JANNY: Oh my god. The craziest things happen to you!

KEN: I know! I don’t know what to do about it!

JANNY: Hahaha! Oh man, Ken… What would I do without your stories? My day’s would probably be so boring with you…

A brief moment of silence.

Beat.

JANNY smiles at KEN.

KEN builds his confidence.

JANNY takes a sip of her latte.

KEN takes a bite of his croissant.

KEN (Before he’s done swallowing): Can I ask you a question?

JANNY (Laughing at KEN talking with his mouth full): What? Swallow your bite, silly!

KEN puts up a finger – one second.

KEN swallows his bite.

KEN: Sorry. Can I ask you a question?

JANNY: Of course. You can ask me anything.

KEN: Anything?

JANNY: Of course! You should know that by now.

KEN: Right. Of course.

Silence.

JANNY: So what’s up?

KEN clears his throat.

JANNY: Is everything ok?

KEN: Of course!

JANNY: Are you made at me about something.

KEN: No! Of course not! What would I be mad at you for?

JANNY: I don’t know, I just want to make sure.

KEN: No. No. It’s nothing like that.

JANNY: Ok… well, what is it?

Another silence.

But this time KEN builds the courage.

KEN: Well… I was wondering…

JANNY: Yes?

KEN: Am I in the friend zone?

JANNY: The –

KEN: Friend zone.

JANNY: Friend zone.

KEN: Yeah.

JANNY: Of course not, Kenny.

KEN: Oh.

JANNY: Why would you think that?

KEN: I don’t know I just –

JANNY: That’s silly.

KEN: Right.

JANNY: Seriously.

KEN: You promise?

JANNY: Ken. I promise you are not in the friend zone.

Yet another silence.

KEN processes what just happened.

She didn’t hesitate.

She reassured him.

Surely this must mean a good thing, right?

Did a good thing just happen?

Yes.

A good thing just happened.

Then –

KEN: So then can I ask you another question?

JANNY: Ken, I told you, you can ask me anything –

KEN: Right. Right. I can ask you anything.

JANNY: So…

KEN: Can I take you out on a date?

Pause.

KEN: Maybe to a movie? A Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson movie?

Pause.

KEN: Or lunch.

Pause.

KEN: Or a coffee… like the one we’re having.

Pause.

KEN: Or we can just, I don’t know, sit on a bench.

Pause.

KEN: Whatever you want to do. Whatever works for you. Whatever is best for you, I would like to do… on our date.

Silence.

Silence.

JANNY holds KEN’s hand

Pause.

JANNY: But I don’t want to ruin our friendship.

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.

64 oz.

64 Oz. BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

CHESTER holding up his 64 oz. water bottle.

It requires both hands.

CHESTER:

So like…

You’re probably wondering about this right?

My water bottle.

It’s pretty big.

64 ounces.

Yeah.

I know.

You’re probably asking yourself –

Why did Chester get such a big goddamn water bottle?

Let me tell you.

It was an accident.

Don’t laugh.

This ain’t a joke.

This is serious.

Ok, well the situation isn’t serious.

Having a big ass water bottle isn’t a big deal.

But the fact that I bought this big ass water bottle on accident, is not a joke.

It’s a reality.

            (Beat)

So.

Here’s the thing.

I have another water bottle.

…

It’s smaller.

20 ounces.

Reasonable right?

Right.

It’s reasonable.

It’s green.

I like it.

Now.

I would carry that water bottle with me everywhere.

All 20 ounces of it.

But the thing is this –

I would finish those 20 ounces of water quite quickly.

And I’d have to go and refill it.

I’d be at work.

Getting shit done.

Finishing this.

Finishing that.

Then I’d take a sip of water to hydrate myself.

Then – boom.

I’m out of water.

So I’d have to get on up and walk ALL THE WAY to the break room to fill up my 20 ounce water bottle with the Brita pitcher in the fridge.

…

You see that Steph Curry Brita commercial?

Anyway.

So I’d have to deal with this.

Finishing my water.

Breaking up my flow.

Needing to get up to go to the kitchen.

And on my way to the kitchen, I’d have to say hi to random people.

I mean, my co-workers.

And here’s the thing about me having to say hi to my co-workers.

I don’t want to talk to them,.

I don’t like people.

So as you can see. I’m in quite a predicament.

This kinda sucks.

So.

One day I get an e-mail.

From Facebook.

Yeah, I know. Dope right?

They want me to participate in a study.

And what do I get for participating in that study?

$100 Amazon gift card.

BOOM.

Extra cash.

What do I wanna do with that extra cash?

I dunno, by another water bottle.

Problem solved.

So I go on Amazon.

Gift card in hand.

And I check out the water bottle selection.

Same brand, same type as my handy 20 ounce bottle.

But my strategy?

Instead of 20 ounces.

I’m gonna go bigger.

Then I finish the bottle less.

I have to go to the Brita less.

I have to talk to people less.

Win. Win. Win.

I look at the options.

20 ounces. Got that.

38 ounces. Not even double.

64 ounces. BOOM.

Click. Buy. Problem solved.

…

…

…

            (Beat)

Now…

The thing about buying things online is…

Well…

You can’t see them.

Like, in person.

…

I didn’t realize how big 64 ounces was gonna be.

I didn’t realize how big this damn bottle was gonna be.

So…

…

Yeah.

Here we are.

Drinking water out of a bottle that weighs heavier than a baby.

            (Silence.)

…

I talk to people less though.

So that’s good.

END OF PLAY.

Mutombo Level Block

MUTOMBO LEVEL BLOCK BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

JAY is staring at his computer screen.

He wants to write something.
But can’t.

He doesn’t know what to write.

Behind JAY is his television.

It’s turned on to NBA TV.

It’s playing a classic NBA game.

Probably the Chicago Bulls vs Atlanta Hawks.

Probably the 1997-1998 season.

JAY turns around and watches the game.

Suddenly, NBA Hall of Famer Dikembe Mutombo flies in and blocks a Scottie Pippin layup.

It’s an incredible block.

An intense block.

A block that only an elite level defender like Dikembe Mutombo could make.

As he jogs away, Dikembe Mutombo gives the TV cameras his signature finger wag.

JAY watches this block.

JAY watches the signature Dikembe Mutombo finger wag.

JAY  looks at his computer screen.

JAY looks at the audience.

JAY: Yeah… that’s pretty much where we’re at right now…

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.