STEPS BEFORE CLEANLINESS BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)
A spotlight on HEATHER in a chair.
She is on the phone with her cousin JOAN.
JOAN is on speakerphone.
HEATHER: Oh my goodness –
JOAN: I know right!
HEATHER: Who does that at the end of a date?
JOAN: Apparently this Bracco guy!
HEATHER: Jesus. That’s horrifying.
JOAN: It wasn’t so bad –
HEATHER: Joan –
JOAN: What? It wasn’t!
HEATHER: Please tell me you aren’t going to –
JOAN: It was just sort of funny.
HEATHER: ARE YOU GOING ON ANOTHER DATE WITH HIM!?
JOAN: I don’t see why not.
HEATHER: YOU JUST TOLD ME WHY NOT!
JOAN: Whatever, it was fine, he was cute. It’ll be a fun night if nothing else.
HEATHER: Oh I get it…
JOAN: Anyway – how are you doing! What have you been up to today?
HEATHER: Oh I’m fine. I’m just working on cleaning up my place. It’s been embarrassingly long since I’ve tidied up around here and let’s just say… things haven’t gotten out of hand.
JOAN: Oh I get it.
HEATHER: Yeah…
JOAN: You’ve been so busy with the project –
HEATHER: Exactly.
JOAN: So there’s no reason to be hard on yourself.
HEATHER: Of course. Of course.
JOAN: But how’s it going?
HEATHER: The project?
JOAN: The cleaning.
Beat.
HEATHER: Oh.
JOAN: Oh?
HEATHER: It’s going fine….
JOAN: How long have you been cleaning for?
HEATHER: I was actually cleaning for almost 3 hours before you called.
JOAN: Wow! So almost done.
HEATHER: (At an incredibly high pitch)Eh…..
JOAN: What?
HEATHER: Nothing.
JOAN: Facetime.
HEATHER: What? No,
JOAN: Facetime!
HEATHER: Why!?
JOAN: I WANT TO SEE!
HEATHER: BUT –
JOAN: But nothing. FACETIME!
Pause.
HEATHER: You know that moment when you’re cleaning… before it gets clean… when it gets… dirtier….
JOAN: FACETIME.
HEATHER: Oh fine.
HEATHER presses buttons on her phone.
A Facetime beeping.
Lights expand on stage.
HEATHER’s apartment is revealed.
It looks like a warzone.
JOAN picks up the Facetime call.
HEATHER: Here we are…
JOAN stares at her phone screen.
Silence.
HEATHER: See?
Silence.
HEATHER: Welcome!
Silence.
JOAN: What the actual fu –
Blackout
END OF PLAY.