FRESHMAN PROMISE BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)
A college dorm common room.
HANS and BELINDA playing Super Smash Bros.
HANS: Choose.
BELINDA: I am.
Pause.
HANS: I’m going to use the restroom.
BELINDA: K.
HANS exits.
BELINDA looks through all the characters.
HANS returns.
BELINDA: How’s your bladder?
HANS: Empty. How’s choosing your character?
BELINDA: Medium.
HANS: Ohmygodit’snotthatharddddd!
BELINDA: Stop pressuring me!
HANS: Hey. You can't just yell things like that to a guy in a public place like that!
BELINDA: You’re right.
HANS: Who knows what people will think of me?
BELINDA: BUT YOU’RE PRESSURING ME!!!
HANS: What are you - ? INTO CHOOSING A VIDEO GAME CHARACTER!!!!
BELINDA bursts into laughter.
HANS: It’s not funny!
BELINDA: You’re right.
HANS: Women are going through real shit!
BELINDA: Oh really? Tell me more.
HANS: And I don’t want to be associated with the shit!
BELINDA: Fine… fine…
HANS: Can you please choose?
BELINDA: There.
HANS: Really?
BELINDA: What?
HANS: The Ice Climbers? You’re going to choose The Ice Climbers?
BELINDA: There are two of them.
HANS: And both of them are useless.
BELINDA: And they are both cute.
HANS: Well how is cuteness going to help you in the game!?
BELINDA: I’m not good at this game anyway. So at least I get to look at two cute characters while I lose.
Pause.
HANS thinks that’s actually a good point.
HANS: Fine.
BELINDA: Oh, and look who hasn’t chosen HIS character yet.
HANS: I was waiting for you!
BELINDA: Uh huh…
HANS: STOP PRESSURING ME!!!
BELINDA: Oh but you get to say it!?
HANS: It’s not the same when I yell it to you.
BELINDA: Why not?
HANS: Because…
BELINDA: Because… what?
HANS: Because no one would believe you were pressuring me into…
BELINDA: Into… what?
HANS: Into…
BELINDA: Don’t worry. You can say it.
HANS: Into sex. No one would believe you were pressuring me into sex.
BELINDA: And why not?
HANS: Because people probably assume that if you told me you wanted to have sex with me that I would just have sex with you.
BELINDA: Right… Is that true.
HANS scoffs and goes back to the video game.
BELINDA: Hans.
HANS: I mean, it’s probably true for most straight guys to most straight girls.
BELINDA: But I’m asking you about me.
No response.
BELINDA: You don’t have to answer.
HANS: I don’t actually know.
BELINDA: Oh! Ok. An answer. An interesting one at that.
HANS: It has nothing to do with you –
BELINDA: (Sarcastic) I was so worried.
HANS: No seriously! It’s just… UGH!
BELINDA: What?
HANS: I - … Shit, I shouldn’t have started this because now I –
BELINDA: Have to say it.
HANS: Right.
Pause.
BELINDA: So say it…
HANS: I’ve actually never, um, done it before. Had sex.
BELINDA: Oh.
HANS: Yeah.
BELINDA: Ok.
HANS: So that’s why I don’t know if I’d just jump in if you were – I mean I know this is all a hypothetical but –
BELINDA: No, that makes sense. It’d be your first time.
HANS: Yeah… Did I make this weird?
BELINDA: No, I think I made this… whatever it is.
HANS: Hah.
BELINDA: But I don’t mind it.
HANS: I kinda don’t either. It’s kind of embarrassing though, don’t you think? Coming in to your freshman year in college still a virgin.
BELINDA: Seriously?
HANS: Yeah. Don’t most people have sex by at least their prom?
BELINDA: I didn’t.
HANS: Oh? So you waited till you got here –
BELINDA: Not sure yet.
HANS: Not… sure?
BELINDA: Think about it.
Silence.
BELINDA: I’m still a virgin too, dummy.
HANS: Oh! Ohhhh. Got it.
BELINDA: And I’m not embarrassed.
HANS: Oh. Cool.
BELINDA: Unless you think I should be embarrassed. Should I be embarrassed?
HANS: Um. No. Of course not.
BELINDA: Cool. And I don’t think you should be either.
HANS: Cool.
BELINDA: Shall we play this game?
HANS: Yeah.
BELINDA: K
A quick beat.
BELINDA: Actually.
HANS: Yeah?
BELINDA: What if –
BELINDA stops herself.
Silence.
HANS: What if… what?
BELINDA: What if we get to the end of the year and we’re still virgins? Should we be embarrassed then?
Pause.
HANS: You tell me.
BELINDA: I mean, no, but to be honest I kinda don’t wanna go back home a virgin.
HANS: Ok.
BELINDA: What about you?
HANS: Um. Not really, no.
BELINDA: Ok.
HANS: Ok, what?
BELINDA: Ok.
HANS: I don’t follow.
BELINDA: There’s nothing to follow.
HANS: Oh.
BELINDA: Yet.
HANS: Ok.
BELINDA: Here’s my proposal.
HANS makes an indecipherable sound in response.
HANS: Sorry.
BELINDA: What was that?
HANS: Unsure. Continue as you were.
BELINDA: Ok. So. School year ends in 4 months.
HANS: Right.
BELINDA: So that gives us 4 months to meet someone we wanna have sex with.
HANS: I’ve already met many people I wanna have sex with.
BELINDA: That want to have sex with us too.
HANS: Important clarification.
BELINDA: Now, if the 4 months pass and we’re both still virgins…
HANS: … we should have sex with each other?
BELINDA lets that sink in for a second.
BELINDA: Why not?
HANS: … I’m sure if we thought for long enough we could think of a why not.
BELINDA: Ok, sure but… should we?
Silence.
HANS: Yes.
BELINDA: Yes?
HANS: Yes.
BELINDA: Ok. I’ll draft up the contract.
HANS: Contract?
BELINDA: I’m kidding.
HANS: Got it.
BELINDA: So maybe we have sex with each other in four months?
HANS: Why not now?
BELINDA: What?
HANS: OhWowSorry! Mind got out of control there!
BELINDA: A little overeager there?
HANS: A little bit, yeah. Sorry.
BELINDA: It’s fine. Don’t be. But no. Not now.
HANS: Of course.
BELINDA: Right now I have to kick your ass with The Ice Climbers.
BELINDA picks up her controller.
Beat.
BELINDA: But maybe tomorrow.
BELINDA throws HANS his controller.
HANS is frozen.
The controller hits the ground.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY.