TWO BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)
Darkness.
The sound of a toilet flushing.
Lights rise on DAVID who is waiting.
DAN comes out of the restroom.
DAVID: Feel better?
DAN: Yeah.
DAVID: That was a big one, huh?
DAN: What are you talking about?
DAVID: A big one.
DAN: How do I have a big… ?
DAVID: You’ve never had a big –
DAN: Pee?
DAVID: Oh did you pee?
DAN: Yeah. I peed.
DAVID: And…?
DAN: And… I washed my hands.
DAVID: You were in there for a while.
DAN: I mean, there was a line to use it.
DAVID: I know. I saw it. And I saw when you went into the restroom. And between then and now – a good amount of time.
DAN: Look David, stop messing with –
DAVID: I mean, I guess you could have peed for that long…
DAN: Exactly.
DAVID: But that’d be a lot of pee.
DAN: Well –
DAVID: And that’d be quite concerning.
DAN: I mean –
DAVID: If you were peeing for that long, man, you should probably get that checked.
DAN: I also washed my hands.
DAVID: AND you also…
DAN: Dried my hands.
DAVID: Oh boy…
DAN: What?
DAVID: How can we be friends?
DAN: What are you talking about?
DAVID: How can we be friends if you can’t even tell me if you –
DAN: If I what? I’ll tell you anything.
DAVID: What number.
DAN: What number?
DAVID: What number?
DAN: My phone number?
DAVID: No, not your phone number. What number, in there?
DAN: In where?
DAVID: Are you being serious? Are you really doing this right now? We are grown ass men. I’m not sure we can be friends.
DAN: Are you being serious?
DAVID: Yes.
Pause.
DAVID: I’m concerned at this point.
Pause.
DAVID: On principal. I need to know. What number?
Silence.
DAN stares at DAVID.
DAVID stares at DAN.
DAVID is not letting up.
More silence.
More tension.
How did we get to this much tension over a trip to the toilet?
DAN is wondering the same thing.
Only DAVID will ever know…
After a long moment…
Finally.
DAN: FINE! TWO! WHATEVER! I DID A NUMBER TWO! CAN WE GO ALREADY?
Pause.
DAVID (In the most immature way possible): … Hehehe, you pooped.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY.