You Are You and I Am Me

YOU ARE YOU AND I AM ME BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

A WAITER leads JESS and SAM to their table at a nice dinner.

WAITER: Follow me this way, the table is just over here.

JESS: Wow this is a great table!

WAITER: It’s our most popular table.

JESS: How did we end up with it?

WAITER: Your date set it up.

SAM smiles at JESS.

WAITER helps them to their seats.

WAITER: I’ll be back with some waters. Would you like anything else to drink?

JESS: Water is good for me.

SAM: Me as well, thank you.

WAITER nods and exits.

JESS: This place seems really great. Have you been before?

SAM: No but a good friend recommended it so I thought we could give it a try.

JESS: Well I’m looking forward to it.

SAM: Thank you for joining me.

JESS: Of course, I was glad to hear from you.

SAM nods.

Pause. Beat.

SAM: Can I ask you a question?

JESS: Of course, Sam.

SAM: Why are you here?

JESS: I’m sorry?

SAM: Why are you here. With me. Um.

JESS: I don’t understand.

SAM: Me either. That’s why I’m asking you.

JESS: No, I mean, I don’t understand your question.

SAM: I don’t understand why you are here with me.

JESS: Because you asked me to dinner.

SAM: I know but –

JESS: But…?

SAM: It doesn’t make sense.

JESS: What doesn’t make sense?

SAM: …

JESS: Sam…

SAM: Oh my god.

JESS: What?

SAM: Oh my god. Ohmygod.

JESS: Sam?

SAM: Did you not realize I was asking you on a… I tried to be very explicit about the fact that I was interested in a… But sometimes it’s hard to know. How can I expect you to realize I wanted to take you on a… Well this is terribly embarrassing. I can’t believe I… I should have.

JESS: SAM.

SAM: Yes?

JESS: Breath and try to finish a thought. What do you think I don’t think this is?

SAM: Do you think this is a date?

JESS: Yes.

SAM: Oh.

JESS: Of course I think this is a date.

SAM: You do?

JESS: You were quite clear about it. Here let me –

JESS pulls out her cellphone.

JESS: Your text: “Jess, Would you like to go to dinner with me?” My text: “Sure that, sounds lovely.” Your text: “Just to be clear, I mean a dinner that is also a date.” My text: “Understood.”

SAM: Good. Clear. Concise.

JESS: So yes, Sam, I know this a date.

SAM: Ok…

JESS: Why are you asking?

SAM: Because… Because…

WAITER enters with waters.

Before WAITER gets to say anything –

SAM: More time please!

WAITER nods his head and exits.

SAM: Because… I guess. You are you and I am me.

JESS: … Yes.

SAM: And because you are you and I am me. I don’t understand why you would want to go on a date with me.

JESS: Why wouldn’t I?

SAM: Because – you’re so great. Everyone loves you.

JESS: And how do people feel about you?

SAM: I don’t know? Medium.

JESS: Well, how do I feel about you?

SAM: I don’t know.

JESS: That’s right. You don’t know. And honestly, I’m hoping we can figure it out. (Pause) And I’m hoping you can figure out how you feel about me –

SAM: I –

JESS: Because you don’t know that either.

Pause.

SAM nods his head.

WAITER enters.

WAITER: More time?

JESS: Yes, please. Thank you.

WAITER nods his head and exits.

JESS: Alright Sam. Let’s look at the menus, shall we?

END OF PLAY.

 

One Second

ONE SECOND BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

Lights up on a PERSON on their cell phone.

They look up at the audience.

They raise their finger “One Second”

A projection appears with a timer.

The timer starts.

One second passes.

Two seconds pass.

PERSON is still on their cell phone.

Three seconds pass.

Blackout. 

END OF PLAY.

Bob Lied

BOB LIED BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

A MAN and A WOMAN standing at center.

They smile.

Silence.

Suddenly, Bob Marley’s “No Woman No Cry” begins to play.

The two of them look up, trying to find where the music is coming from.

Then, WOMAN exits.

MAN sees her go.

Beat.

Then suddenly a record scratch as the song abruptly comes to an end.

MAN puts his hand to his eye and feels that tears are streaming down his face.

No Woman. MAN continues to cry.

END OF PLAY.

Real Quick

REAL QUICK BY JEFFEY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

A MAN on a busy sidewalk.

He doesn’t look special at all.

Not particularly put together.

Not particularly disheveled.

Sort of nondescript.

PASSERBY 1 walks by.

MAN: Excuse me! Can I ask you a question real quick?

PASSERBY 1 kind of stops out of reflex but quickly keeps going.

MAN: Excuse me!

PASSERBY 1 exits.

MAN: Ok.

PASSERBY 2 walks by.

MAN: Can I ask you a question real quick?

PASSERBY 2 speeds up and exits.

MAN looks at the audience.

MAN: Can I as you a question real quick?

PASSERBY 3 and 4 enter talking to each other.

MAN: Oh! Excuse me!

PASSERBY 3 and 4 stop and look at MAN.

MAN: Can I ask you a question real quick?

Pause.

PASSERBY 3: No.

MAN: Ok. What about you? Can I ask you a question real quick?

No response.

MAN: Umm…

PASSERBY 3 and 4 laugh, shake their heads and walk away.

Silence.

PASSERBY 5 enters.

MAN: Excuse me.

PASSERBY 5 stops.

PASSERBY 5: Yes?

MAN: Oh!

PASSERBY 5: How are you doing today?

MAN: Oh, ok.

PASSERBY 5: Ok.

MAN: I was just wondering, could I ask you a question real quick?

PASSERBY 5: Um. Sure. I don’t see why not.

MAN: Ok great!

PASSERBY 5: What’s the question?

MAN puts his hand in his pocket to pull something out.

PASSERBY 5 doesn’t flinch.

MAN: Do you want a hundred dollars?

MAN pulls out a one hundred dollar bill to hand to PASSERBY 5.

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.

Rooftop

ROOFTOP BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

Two people on the roof of a skyscraper overlooking the city.

1: I’m scared.

2: That’s ok.

1: Is this the right thing to do?

2: What do you mean?

1: I mean should we do this?

2: Are you having second thoughts?

1: Isn’t me asking, should we do this, the definition of having second thoughts?

2: Why are we speaking to each other in questions?

1: Are we?

2: You couldn’t tell?

One thinks about it.

1: … Huh. I guess you’re right.

2: Well?

1: What?

2: Are you still having second thoughts?

1: Oh. Right. Yes… Should we do this?

2: Yes.

1: Are you sure?

2: Yes.

1: Is this the right thing to do?

2: Kind of.

1: KIND OF!?

2: Kind of.

1: What do you mean kind of?

2: I mean something needed to happen and we did something about it.

1: But was what we did the right thing?

2: Not so sure.

1: Not so sure!?

2: But it’s too late.

1: Too late? What do you mean too late?

2: I mean –

AN EXPLOSION!
BOOM!!!!!!!

END OF PLAY.

TapTapTap

TAPTAPTAP BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

MICHAEL and MARJORIE sitting next to each other at the library.

MARJORIE has huge headphones on and is writing in a notepad.

MICHAEL is reading a book.

Silence.

After a moment MICHAEL turns to MARJORIE.

He taptaptaps her shoulder.

MARJORIE takes off her headphones and turns to MICHAEL.

Silence.

MICHAEL shrugs his shoulders.

MARJORIE puts her headphones back on and gets back to work.

MARJORIE writes in her notepad.

MICHAEL reads his book.

Silence.

Beat.

Again, MICHAEL taptaptaps MARJORIE on the shoulder.

MARJORIE takes off her headphones and turns to MICHAEL.

MICHAEL smiles at MARJORIE.

MICHAEL waives at MARJORIE.

MICHAEL gives MARJORIE a thumbs up.

Pause.

MARJORIE nods her head and puts her headphones back on.

MARJORIE continues to write in her notepad.

MICHAEL does not go back to his book.

Instead he taptaptaps MARJORIE on the shoulder.

MARJORIE does not respond.

MICHAEL is confused.

MICHAEL taptaptaps MARJORIE on her other shoulder.

MARJORIE does not respond.

MICHAEL taptaptaps MARJORIE on the head.

MARJORIE does not respond.

MARJORIE picks up her phone and makes the music in her headphones louder.

Pause.

Pause.

MICHAEL goes back to reading his book.

Lights fade.

END OF PLAY.

What Are You Listening To?

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? BY JEFFREY LO
(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

STEWART, a pleasant and friendly airline steward is carrying a tray of drinks.

He approaches a string of passengers, all wearing headphones or earphones.

The first person is a 12 YEAR OLD GIRL.

STEWART: Why hello there, young lady.

12 YEAR OLD GIRL: Hi.

STEWART: Here’s your apple juice.

12 YEAR OLD GIRL: Thanks!

STEWART: What are you listening to there?

12 YEAR OLD GIRL: Moana.

STEWART: Very cool! I love Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson!

12 YEAR OLD GIRL: Who?

STEWART: Enjoy your juice!

STEWART approaches a 27 YEAR OLD GUY.

STEWART: And here is your La Croix, sir.

27 YEAR OLD GUY smiles at STEWART and nods.

STEWART: What are you listening to?

27 YEAR OLD GUY just stares at STEWART.

STEWART: What are you listening to?

27 YEAR OLD GUY (Way too loudly): WHAT!?

STEWART: What are you listening to?

27 YEAR OLD GUY: Oh! Podcast. This American Life.

STEWART: Cool.

27 YEAR OLD GUY looks away from STEWART.

STEWART approaches 40 YEAR OLD GUY.

STEWART: And here is your Coke and here is your Jack Daniels, sir.

40 YEAR OLD: Great.

STEWART: What are you listening to there?

40 YEAR OLD GUY (suddenly suspicious): Why?

STEWART: Just wonderi –

40 YEAR OLD GUY: Why does it matter?

STEWART: Enjoy your drink sir.

STEWART approaches a 78 YEAR OLD lady.

STEWART: And here is your orange juice, Miss.

78 YEAR OLD LADY: Oh thank you, young man. I appreciate it.

STEWART: Just doing my job ma’am!

78 YEAR OLD LADY: And well!

STEWART: What are you listening to?

78 YEAR OLD LADY: What am I listening to?

STEWART: Yes, if you don’t me asking.

78 YEAR OLD LADY: Oh, not at all. 2 Chainz.

Silence.

STEWART: Excuse me?

78 YEAR OLD LADY: This charming young rapper named 2 Chainz.

Pause.

78 YEAR OLD LADY takes one earbud out of her ear and moves it toward STEWART.

78 YEAR OLD LADY: Would you like to listen?

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.

Saturday Morning

SATURDAY MORNING BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

Silence.

Lights rise slowly.

Eventually we see a studio apartment.

A lump of sheets on the bed.

There is someone in that lump.

A person.

Maybe two.

Probably just one.

Silence.

Then the alarm on a cell phone rings.

That annoying default alarm on the iPhone.

A ruffle in the bed.

Some movement.

Finally, WILLIAM pops his head out from the sheets.

Still half asleep, he feels around for his phone.

He finally finds it.

He shuts off the alarm.

He plops his upper body back onto the bed.

He considers falling back to sleep.

It would feel so good but alas…

He gets up.

WILLIAM goes to the bathroom.

We hear the sound of pee-ing.

We hear the sound of a toilet flushing.

WILLIAM emerges from the bathroom.

WILLIAM stops.

WILLIAM re-enters the bathroom.

We hear the sound of a sink running.

WILLIAM emerges from the bathroom wiping his hands with a hand towel.

WILLIAM goes to the fridge and grabs a yogurt and a bottle of orange juice.

He sits and eats the yogurt and drinks the orange juice straight from the bottle.

After he finishes his yogurt he returns to the bathroom.

We hear the sound of the shower running.

The shower turns off.

We hear the sound of the sink running.

We hear the sound of WILLIAM brushing his teeth.

We hear the sound of WILLIAM spitting.

The sink turns off.

WILLIAM re-enters wiping his face and hands with the hand towel.

WILLIAM sits.

WILLIAM thinks about what he should do with his day.

WILLIAM yawns.

WILLIAM considers.

WILLIAM plops back into bed and falls back asleep.

Lights fade slowly. 

END OF PLAY.

Here's a Dream

HERE'S A DREAM BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

MARIE and NICOLE lying in bed together.

MARIE: Here’s a dream – you and me and a pair of children –

NICOLE: A girl and a boy!

MARIE: Sure. We’re eating breakfast together. Sharing stories of our weekend. Making plans for the day… Sun is shining bright. The world is comfortable.

NICOLE: Here’s a dream – you, get the promotion at work.

MARIE: Here’s hoping.

NICOLE: Phil realizes how amazing you are at what you do and what a leader you are and let’s you take the reigns. You succeed. You rock it. Your wife is proud of you.

MARIE: Here’s a dream – I finally take a vacation.

NICOLE: I’ll believe it when I see it. Here’s a dream – we get a puppy.

MARIE: Here’s a dream – we get a cat.

NICOLE: Gross.

MARIE: Here’s a dream – we get a fish.

NICOLE: Boring.

MARIE: Here’s a dream – we get a tiger.

NICOLE: Down! Here’s a dream – our parents accept us.

MARIE: Here’s a dream – our church accepts us.

NICOLE: Here’s a dream – you love me.

MARIE: Here’s a dream – we love each other.

NICOLE kisses MARIE.

NICOLE: Are you dreaming?

MARIE: I hope not.

MARIE kisses NICOLE.

NICOLE: You’re not.

END OF PLAY.

Fault

FAULT BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

CHARLOTTE a traveller, "talking" to DESIREE, a gate attendant at the airport.

CHARLOTTE is very animated.

DESIREE is... let's call it monotone.

They are mid conversation.

They've been going at it for a while.

We start mid-conversation because if we went through the whole conversation...

We'd be here a while.

CHARLOTTE: This is just so frustrating.

DESIREE: I know ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: I have somewhere to be.

DESIREE: I understand that ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: I purchased these tickets FOREVER ago. I should not be bumped off of this flight.

DESIREE: I sympathize, ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: Do you?

Pause.

CHARLOTTE: Do you?

Pause.

CHARLOTTE: Do you?

An even longer pause.

DESIREE: Yes ma'am,.

CHARLOTTE: So you'll get me on the flight!

DESIREE: I cannot do that ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: Why not?

DESIREE: The gate is closed ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: Then open it.

DESIREE: I cannot do that ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: What do you mean you cannot open it? Of course you can open it. It was open earlier so that means you can physically open it. Those people aren't stuck there forever.

DESIREE: I don't have the training or the authorization to open it ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: Then who does!? Let me talk to them!

DESIREE: The people inside the plane, ma'am.

Pause.

CHARLOTTE: This is unacceptable.

DESIREE: I'm sorry ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: Absurd!

DESIREE: This isn't my fault ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: What am I supposed to do? Wait for the next flight?

DESIREE: This isn't my fault ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: I didn't buy a ticket for the next flight, I bought a ticket for THIS flight.

DESIREE: This isn't my fault ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: WITH MILES! I USED MY MILES.

DESIREE: This isn't my fault ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: I'd like to speak with your manager.

DESIREE: This isn't my fault ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: I'd like to speak with your manager.

DESIREE: This isn't my fault ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: I'd like to speak with your manager.

DESIREE: This isn't my fault ma'am.

CHARLOTTE: I'd like to speak with your manager.

Pause.

Silence.

Beat.

DESIREE starts to walk away.

CHARLOTTE: Where are you going!?

DESIREE: To get my manager.

CHARLOTTE: GOOD!

DESIREE exits.

CHARLOTTE waits.

Silence.

DESIREE never comes back.

The airplane flies away.

So does DESIREE.

Lights fade.

End of Play.