64 Oz.

64 OZ. BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

CHESTER holding up his 64 oz. water bottle.

It requires both hands.

CHESTER:

So like…

You’re probably wondering about this right?

My water bottle.

It’s pretty big.

64 ounces.

Yeah.

I know.

You’re probably asking yourself –

Why did Chester get such a big goddamn water bottle?

Let me tell you.

It was an accident.

Don’t laugh.

This ain’t a joke.

This is serious.

Ok, well the situation isn’t serious.

Having a big ass water bottle isn’t a big deal.

But the fact that I bought this big ass water bottle on accident, is not a joke.

It’s a reality.

            (Beat)

So.

Here’s the thing.

I have another water bottle.

…

It’s smaller.

20 ounces.

Reasonable right?

Right.

It’s reasonable.

It’s green.

I like it.

Now.

I would carry that water bottle with me everywhere.

All 20 ounces of it.

But the thing is this –

I would finish those 20 ounces of water quite quickly.

And I’d have to go and refill it.

I’d be at work.

Getting shit done.

Finishing this.

Finishing that.

Then I’d take a sip of water to hydrate myself.

Then – boom.

I’m out of water.

So I’d have to get on up and walk ALL THE WAY to the break room to fill up my 20 ounce water bottle with the Brita pitcher in the fridge.

…

You see that Steph Curry Brita commercial?

Anyway.

So I’d have to deal with this.

Finishing my water.

Breaking up my flow.

Needing to get up to go to the kitchen.

And on my way to the kitchen, I’d have to say hi to random people.

I mean, my co-workers.

And here’s the thing about me having to say hi to my co-workers.

I don’t want to talk to them,.

I don’t like people.

So as you can see. I’m in quite a predicament.

This kinda sucks.

So.

One day I get an e-mail.

From Facebook.

Yeah, I know. Dope right?

They want me to participate in a study.

And what do I get for participating in that study?

$100 Amazon gift card.

BOOM.

Extra cash.

What do I wanna do with that extra cash?

I dunno, by another water bottle.

Problem solved.

So I go on Amazon.

Gift card in hand.

And I check out the water bottle selection.

Same brand, same type as my handy 20 ounce bottle.

But my strategy?

Instead of 20 ounces.

I’m gonna go bigger.

Then I finish the bottle less.

I have to go to the Brita less.

I have to talk to people less.

Win. Win. Win.

I look at the options.

20 ounces. Got that.

38 ounces. Not even double.

64 ounces. BOOM.

Click. Buy. Problem solved.

…

…

…

            (Beat)

Now…

The thing about buying things online is…

Well…

You can’t see them.

Like, in person.

…

I didn’t realize how big 64 ounces was gonna be.

I didn’t realize how big this damn bottle was gonna be.

So…

…

Yeah.

Here we are.

Drinking water out of a bottle that weighs heavier than a baby.

            (Silence.)

…

I talk to people less though.

So that’s good.

END OF PLAY.

Candy Shop

CANDY SHOP BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

MEREDITH sitting on the floor.

Next to her is a purse.

Candy wrappers – empty, full and semi-full – surround her.

As lights rise, MEREDITH sees the audience.

MEREDITH, desperately and  awkwardly tries to use her body to hide the wrappers.

MEREDITH:

DON’T LOOK!

            (She is doing a very bad job at hiding the wrappers)

I…

I didn’t…

This wasn’t me.

            (Clears her throat)

All… me…

Just some of it.

Just some of it was me.

…

Most of it…

…

…

            (Resigned to the truth)

All of it.

            (Looking at the damage all around her)

This was all eaten by… me.

I ate all of this.

            (Looking at the audience)

Don’t look at me like that.

I’m not proud of this. Trust me.

I’m…

I…

I don’t know how this happened.

It’s just.

I love candy.

Like, a lot.

Like, so much.

It’s just so good.

            (Beat)

I knew I shouldn’t have bought all of this. I knew it was a bad idea.

I told myself, Meredith – I know that it’s only 2 dollars more for double the candy but you don’t need it. Do. Not. Buy. It.

…

…

I bought it.

It was such a steal.

And you can just set aside for next time. You don’t have to eat it all at once – I told myself.

…

            (Presenting her collection of wrappers)

I ate it all at once.

            (Spots one piece of uneaten candy)

Oh.

            (Grabs the candy. Unwraps the candy. Eats the candy.)

MMMM!

OH MY GOD...

            (She feels so good. The sounds she makes are… sexual)

So good…

It tastes so good…

I feel so good.

…

I hate that candy makes me feel so good.

            (Beat)

I hope I don’t have diabetes.

I should get a blood test to check that.

I know I should.

But I’m scared too.

…

Diabetes sounds terrible.

            (Spots another piece of uneaten candy.)

Another one?

            (She picks it up.)

Um.

            (Beat)

…

Umm.

…

…

            (Silence)

…

…

…

No.

            (Puts the piece of candy in her pocket.)

I’m going to save it.

            (She stands up, smiling at the audience.)

See.

Self control.

            (Exits with the one piece of candy she saved. Hundreds of wrappers are left behind.)

END OF PLAY.

12:02

12:02 BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

A lone tombstone in a cemetery.

There is a mild number of gifts and decorations surrounding the tombstone, left earlier..

The tombstone has been there for exactly seven years and one day.

It is 12:02 AM

…..

BINIE sprints in.

She collapses to her knees by the tombstone.

She is breathing hard, struggling to catch her breath.

BINIE:

SHIT!

            (Checks her watch)

Shit! … Shit!

            (Continues to gasp for breath as she stares at her watch, devastated)

Shit… shitshitshitshit…

            (Begins to cry)

Ohmygod… OhmygodOhmygod…

…

12:02…

I didn’t make it.

FUCK!

Just another thing to… fuck up.

            (Looks at the tombstone.)

I’m so sorry.

I don’t know how I –

Today was just so –

And my mom just –

I couldn’t –

…

No excuse.

I’m a mess.

God I’m a mess.

I am just… so sorry.

…

            (Beat)

It only took seven years to break my promise.

I didn’t forget though, I promise.

I remember it like it was… five minutes ago.

You in that hospital bed, me a blubbering mess… squeezing onto your hands like it would make you stay.

“Stop it Binie, you’re gonna break my fingers!”

            (Laughs to herself)

“And stop crying. What’s that going to do? It’s my time to go and we need to be ok with that.”

            (Beat)

Who has that kind of perspective at 27?

Not me. Not me then, and not me now.

…

And I looked you in the eyes and I said, “I will visit you. Everyday till the day I die. I will visit you.”

“You can’t visit me every day Binie. Don’t be stupid. Our anniversary. Every year on our anniversary. Let’s be together… Till the day you die.”

            (Starting to cry again)

And then you laughed.

And then I stopped squeezing your hands.

And then you…

…

…

            (Silence)

And then I missed it.

12:02.

I didn’t deserve you.

I mess everything up.

            (Beat)

Security is probably looking for me by now.

I don’t know why I didn’t realize they’d lock this place up.

It just feels like a bunch of open fields so I assumed they’d be open forever.

I tried though. Promise.

I climbed over two fences and crawled under a gate to get here.

And I tried to outrun the moving spotlights they have out there.

Why they have moving spotlights here? I don’t know

It’s a cemetery for crying out loud, why do they need so much security?

            (Closes her eyes, takes a deep inhale and a big exhale)

How did I get here? I have no idea…

You probably don’t want to listen to any of this, have better things to do wherever… you are.

But…

Things have been hard since you died.

Really hard.

And I know that shouldn’t be a shock or anything but.

I guess I didn’t realize how much having you by my side kept me together.

My mom gets worst every day.

She calls constantly asking for money and I know I should just tell her no but…

You know me and my mom.

It’s hard…

She’s so terrible but as soon as she smiles and says I’m sorry - we do stupid things.

…

Today, I had to stop her from throwing knives at her neighbors. I sat with her for hours before she finally calmed down and I thought I could go to work. And as soon as I thought I could go to work, I realized I was two hours late for work. And so then work insisted I stay for three extra hours which put me behind to go pick up grandpa from the hospital which put me… here.

…

So much… It’s all so much.

Oh man… I’m sorry. Not only do I miss our anniversary but I just go on and on about my own problems.

…

…

I just…

I miss you.

I wish you were here.

I really wish you were here.

            (Beat)

Oh god… why can’t I keep it together?

I can’t live my life like this.

            (Closes her eyes, takes a deep inhale and a big exhale)

I will figure this out.

            (Binie stands up. Beat. She sits back down.)

But for now…

I need to sit.

And be…

Alone.

I just need to be alone..

            (Closes her eyes.)

END OF PLAY.

Next Steps

NEXT STEPS BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

FENTON:

This shouldn’t be so difficult, right?

I’m making this harder for myself that it needs to be, right?

I do this to myself all the time.

Typical Fenton.

I’ve been doing this to myself ever since the divorce.

…

Ok, fine, even before the divorce.

…

My whole life, yes, thank you.

I’ve been making things harder for myself my entire life. Thank you for pointing that out.

But it got worst after the divorce. That, is a fact.

Oh, why am I listening to you for? You’re – what? Twelve years old?

And you’re not even talking.

You’re just staring at me eating that sandwich.

Is it good?

Oh, you can nod your head, good.

Thank you for your response.

…

…

            (Beat)

I should ask her out.

I know I should.

It’s clear I should.

She’s so kind.

And not just to me. To everyone.

She is kind to everyone.

And she’s makes me laugh…

            (He thinks about her making a joke and laughs.)

She’s so funny…

Look at me, I’m laughing right now.

Oh what do you know.

You twelve-year-olds find Pixar movies funny.

(He thinks about Pixar movies.)

Actually, Coco was pretty good.

            (Beat)

What am I doing?

I’m just stalling at this point.

I’m in love with a girl.

A woman.

Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been in love?

Last time, I was in love, you weren’t even born.

I got divorced ten years ago.

You’re twelve.

You do the math.

            (Beat)

She makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time…

Things I… shouldn’t tell a kid like you.

But… You’ll get it someday.

When you find those parts of the internet.

            (Beat)

You know what’s scary, though?

What if I don’t do the same for her?

What if she actually hates me and is just nice to me – not because she likes me but because she’s a nice, wonderful angel that doesn’t want to hurt me.

What then?

What will I do then?

I don’t think I could take it.

            (Beat)

But if I do nothing…

I don’t think I could take that either.

            (Beat)

What’s wrong with me?

I just turned 50 for crying out loud!

…

I’m stalling.

…

I’m avoiding.

What should I do?

            (Stares at the kid. Silence.)

…

…

…

You’re right.

            (Gets up to go.)

Hey.

Good talk kid. Thanks.

            (Exits.)

END OF PLAY.

Laura, Part 2 or That Feeling When You Have So Much To Day and So Much To Do and Everything is Just... So Much, Part 3

LAURA, PART 2 OR THAT FEELING WHEN YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY AND SO MUCH TO DO AND EVERYTHING IS JUST... SO MUCH, PART 3 BY JEFFREY LO

(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

JEFFREY LO sitting in front of a laptop on stage.

He is staring at the laptop screen

Still.

…

…

If you don’t know what’s going on, you should check out Part 1 to this.

It was written two days ago.

If you don’t know what’s going on, you should check out Part 2 to this.

It was written yesterday

But here we are, today.

JEFFREY LO.

Still the same.

Maybe even more so than before.

This will be the last of these plays.

… hopefully.

But who knows I guess.

A year is a long time.

…

JEFFREY LO continues to stare at the laptop screen.

JEFFREY LO lets out a sigh.

LAURA enters.

LAURA stands behind JEFFREY LO.

LAURA: Hey babe.

JEFFREY LO: Hi.

LAURA: You writing.

JEFFREY LO: Kind of.

LAURA: What are you writing about?

JEFFREY LO: Nothing.

LAURA: Nothing?

JEFFREY LO shows LAURA his laptop screen.

LAURA: Nothing.

JEFFREY LO: Yeah.

LAURA: What’s up?

JEFFREY LO: What?

LAURA: You sound different. What’s up?

JEFFREY LO: What do I sound like?

LAURA: Like something is wrong.

JEFFREY LO: Huh…

LAURA: Well? What’s wrong.

JEFFREY LO: I don’t know.

LAURA: Huh.

JEFFREY LO: I’m telling the truth. Not hiding anything. I don’t know.

LAURA: I believe you.

LAURA puts her arms around JEFFREY LO.

LAURA: I just get worried.

JEFFREY LO: Yeah…

LAURA: But it’s ok if you don’t know.

JEFFREY LO: Yeah.

Beat.

JEFFREY LO: I’m so tired.

LAURA: You’ve been working so hard.

JEFFREY LO: I know but I shouldn’t feel this way.

LAURA: Why not?

JEFFREY LO: Because… I don’t know.

Beat.

LAURA: Can I help you write?

JEFFREY LO: No.

LAURA: You sure?

JEFFREY LO: Yes.

LAURA: I am a very talented playwright.

Pause.

LAURA: In my imagination.

JEFFREY LO cracks a smile.

LAURA: You sure you’re ok?

JEFFREY LO: I didn’t say I was ok.

Pause.

JEFFREY LO: But I think I’ll be fine.

Silence.

LAURA: Ok.

JEFFREY LO: Thank you.

LAURA: But let me know if you need anything.

JEFFREY LO: Thank you.

LAURA: I can write you’re play for you. Just put your name on it. I don’t mind.

JEFFREY LO: No, thank you.

LAURA smiles at JEFFREY LO.

LAURA: I love you.

JEFFREY LO: I love you too.

JEFFREY LO works up the energy to return the smile.

JEFFREY LO: Thank you.

LAURA kisses JEFFREY LO on the forehead.

LAURA exits.

Still here.

Still embarrassed.

Deep breaths…

Deep breaths…

Sigh…

…

…

Lights don’t fade.

Light’s don’t go to black.

Lights keep going.

…

Maybe this can be the end.

END OF PLAY.

THAT FEELING WHEN YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY AND SO MUCH TO DO AND EVERYTHING IS JUST... SO MUCH, PART 2

THAT FEELING WHEN YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY AND SO MUCH TO DO AND EVERYTHING IS JUST... SO MUCH, PART 2 BY JEFFREY LO

(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

JEFFREY LO on stage.

Still.

…

…

If you don’t know what’s going on, you should check out Part 1 to this.

It was written yesterday.

But here we are, today.

JEFFREY LO

Still the same.

Maybe even more so than before.

JEFFREY LO: Still here.

Silence.

JEFFREY LO: Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.

Silence.

JEFFREY LO: At some point.

JEFFREY LO.

Still here.

Still embarrassed.

Deep breaths…

Deep breaths…

…

…

Lights don’t fade.

Light’s don’t go to black.

Lights keep going.

…

Let’s end the play there.

END OF PLAY.

That Feeling When You Have So Much To Say and So Much To Do and Everything is Just... So Much

THAT FEELING WHEN YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY AND SO MUCH TO DO AND EVERYTHING IS JUST... SO MUCH BY JEFFREY LO

(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

JEFFREY LO on stage.

…

…

You know that feeling

when you have so much to say

and so much to do

and everything is just…

so much?

…

JEFFREY LO is feeling that.

Right now.

On stage.

In front of you.

And, honestly… he’s kind of embarrassed about it.

Very embarrassed, if he’s being honest with himself.

 JEFFREY LO: This is hard...

Pause.

A deep breath if we're lucky.

JEFFREY LO: I'm having a hard time.

Lights don’t fade.

Light’s don’t go to black.

Lights keep going.

JEFFREY LO is just there.

And I guess… we end the play.

...

END OF PLAY.

Complications

COMPLICATIONS BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

DAISUKE and BRENDA sitting on BRENDA’s couch.

They are processing what just happened.

Silence. 

BRENDA: Well shit…

DAISUKE: Yeah…

BRENDA: How did this happen?

DAISUKE: No idea.

BRENDA: I mean, we –

DAISUKE: I know.

BRENDA: And we both felt –

DAISUKE: I know.

BRENDA: And now we –

DAISUKE: I’m as shocked as you are. 

Silence. 

BRENDA: You’re sure you –

DAISUKE: Yeah.

Pause.

BRENDA: And I’m sure I –

DAISUKE: Damn…

BRENDA: So it’s confirmed.

DAISUKE: Seems like it.

BRENDA: We should just accept it.

DAISUKE: I suppose so.

BRENDA and DAISUKE nod their heads.

Silence.

BRENDA and DAISUKE take a deep breath. 

DAISUKE: We’re in love.

BRENDA flinches a bit. 

DAISUKE: I know. I feel you…

BRENDA: How did we end up here? How did we end up in love?

DAISUKE flinches a bit. 

BRENDA: I just wanted a friend.

DAISUKE: Me too!

BRENDA: I’m not in a place for a relationship.

DAISUKE: I’m still traumatized from Emily!

BRENDA: But when I’m with you –

DAISUKE: All I want to do is be with you –

BRENDA: Me too.

DAISUKE: Really?

BRENDA: Yeah.

BRENDA and DAISUKE smile at each other.

Beat. 

BRENDA: DAMNIT.

DAISUKE: Why does that make me feel good.

BRENDA: It’s awful.

DAISUKE: I know, I’m sorry.

BRENDA: If I get that promotion, I’ll need to move to Chicago.

DAISUKE: And I want you to get that promotion!

BRENDA: Thank you.

DAISUKE: But I don’t want you to leave.

BRENDA: I know…

Beat. 

DAISUKE: But…

BRENDA: No…

DAISUKE: What if…

BRENDA: Don’t…

DAISUKE: I could move with you.

BRENDA: NO!!!!

DAISUKE: Do you not want me to come with you.

BRENDA: I do.

DAISUKE: Oh.

BRENDA: That’s the problem.

DAISUKE: You’re right! DAMNIT.

BRENDA: Ugh. I want you to be with me.

DAISUKE: This is a problem… Why love?

BRENDA: Why love now?

Beat. 

DAISUKE: What should we do?

BRENDA: … what should we do…

DAISUKE and BRENDA look at each other.

Lights fade. 

END OF PLAY.

The First of the Month

THE FIRST OF THE MONTH BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

ANDRE in his studio, working on a painting.

His cell phone dings. A text message.

ANDRE checks the text.

Elsewhere on stage, ANDRE’s landlord WEBBER appears.

WEBBER: Hey Andre. Just a friendly reminder that rent is due tomorrow.

ANDRE is confused.

ANDRE: What is he talking about? (Typing) Rent is due tomorrow?

A text message ding.

WEBBER: Um. Yeah.

A text message ding.

ANDRE (typing): But today’s the 28th.

A text message ding.

WEBBER: Right.

A text message ding.

WEBBER: And tomorrow is – dot… dot… dot…

A text message ding.

ANDRE (typing): The 29th?

A text message ding.

WEBBER: Check the month.

A text message ding.

ANDRE checks the calendar on his phone.

February.

ANDRE: Shit.

Suddenly the rap group BONE THUGS-N-HARMONY appear.

ANDRE: What the? Bizzy Bone. Wish Bone. Layzie Bone. Krayzie Bone. Flesh-n-Bone? What are you doing here?

BONE THUGS-N-HARMONY start rapping their hit song “First of the Month”

ANDRE: Seriously?

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.

What The Fuck Are You Wearing?

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING? BY JEFFREY LO

(DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)

TANYA her room.

TANYA getting ready for a party.

TANYA in front of her mirror.

She is wearing a dress.

She is looking at herself in the dress.

TANYA is unsure about the dress.

TANYA is unsure about the dress even thought she has no reason to be unsure of the dress.

It’s a nice dress.

Maybe?

Is it a nice dress?

God, it’s a terrible dress.

It looks horrible.

But didn’t it look so nice on the rack?

Maybe it was a nice dress but it looks bad on TANYA.

Maybe it was a beautiful dress but it looks terrible on TANYA.

Maybe it was a GORGEOUS dress but it looks HORRENDOUS on TANYA.

Pause.

What is she doing?

This is a nice dress.

This dress looks nice.

This dress looks nice on her.

TANYA begins to talk to herself.

TANYA: You look good Tanya.

TANYA starts to pump herself up.

TANYA: You look amazing Tanya.

TANYA starts to believe what she is saying.

TANYA: DAAAAAAYUM girl! YOU LOOK SEXY!

TANYA takes it a bit too far.

TANYA: MM! MMM! MMMM! I would eat you up GURL!

TANYA laughs at herself.

That was silly.

TANYA is suddenly feeling great.

TANYA loves this dress.

TANYA looks at herself in the mirror.

TANYA decides to wear the dress to the party.

TANYA smiles at herself in the mirror.

A lovely moment.

…

KELLY enters.

TANYA does not notice.

KELLY looks at TANYA.

KELLY: What the fuck are you wearing?

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.