1 VS 2 BY JEFFREY LO (DOWNLOAD PDF HERE)
Lights up on a door.
It reads “All Gender Restroom”
After a brief moment, we hear a flurry of running footsteps.
NUMBER ONE enters huffing and puffing.
NUMBER ONE: OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODINEEDTO –
NUMBER TWO: (Offstage): I GOTTA – I GOTTA – I GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA –
NUMBER ONE starts to open the all gender restroom but before they do –
NUMBER TWO waddles on huffing and puffing and sweating intensely.
NUMBER ONE pops up and looks at NUMBER TWO.
NUMBER TWO: I gotta –
NUMBER ONE: Me too.
Pause.
NUMBER TWO: But I really gotta –
NUMBER ONE: Me too.
NUMBER TWO: PLEASE –
NUMBER ONE: ME TOO!
NUMBER TWO: Number two…
NUMBER ONE freezes.
NUMBER ONE: Number two?
NUMBER TWO: Yes.
NUMBER ONE: Shit…
NUMBER TWO: Yes.
Pause.
NUMBER ONE: But I gotta pee!
NUMBER TWO: Me too! And –
NUMBER ONE: Shit…
NUMBER TWO: Yes!
NUMBER ONE: I didn’t mean – But… Yeah.
NUMBER TWO: Please?
NUMBER ONE: But I might in my pants!
NUMBER TWO: Me too! And yours is just –
NUMBER ONE: But I was here first!
NUMBER TWO: I know…
NUMBER ONE: But you’re…
NUMBER TWO: Exactly!
Pause.
NUMBER ONE hesitates.
NUMBER TWO: One of us better… It’s just a waste of –
NUMBER ONE: Ok fine, you go –
NUMBER TWO: THANKYOUTHANKYOU!
NUMBER TWO jumps to open the door.
It’s locked.
NUMBER TWO: WHAT!?
NUMBER ONE: Locked!
NUMBER TWO: Yes!
NUMBER ONE: Shit.
NUMBER TWO: (Defeated) Yes…
NUMBER ONE: Yes!?
NUMBER TWO: Almost…
NUMBER ONE: Shit…
NUMBER TWO: STOP SAYING THAT!
NUMBER ONE: SorrySorry…
The door opens.
NUMBER THREE enters from the restroom.
He sees NUMBER ONE and NUMBER TWO.
NUMBER THREE gives them a wry smile.
NUMBER THREE: Sorry. You don’t want to go in there.
NUMBER ONE and NUMBER TWO watch NUMBER THREE comfortably stroll away.
NUMBER THREE: Good luck!
NUMBER THREE exits.
END OF PLAY.